The International Dahlings Weekend In KL

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It says a lot now that for a simple outing involving a stay over and a night out on the dance floor had to be planned out so many months in advance! 

For years, the girls, otherwise affectionately known as The Dahlings have wanted to go away somewhere together. What was supposed to be Mel’s hen’s night dwindled down to a night full of girly fun because she said it was too early for a hen’s night. So maybe round 2 in 2011! From overseas trips, we cut down the plan to local holidays to fit budget and schedules and to further fit schedules, we just thought, “Haiyah, have a sleep over at one of the hotels in KL only lah!” 

I’m still looking forward to the day where we can truly go on a holiday, just us girls!  

The day started off with some famous wan tan mee at a coffee shop in SS14 but I opted for pan mee instead. Pan mee is my latest craze! Have you heard of Jojo Pan Mee in SS15? It’s the best! I think there are other branches but I am not sure where.


Sush and her wantan mee kon lou.


With Min Dee whom I have not seen in eons! (but who I have seen quite a few times since as she is finally done with her course in Australia but will be heading to Hong Kong to work in a few months’ time)


Mun Teng enjoying her wan tan mee without bothering to strike a pose for me.


With a slightly opened mouth (damn fake lo) trying to pretend that this is a fun girl day out. I mean it was, but it was still the beginning and it wasn’t like I was in mid-squeal or something. Oh well, but it does paint a picture of fun!


Alright, I managed to get everyone to hold still. 
back l-r: Min Dee, Esther, Mel, Sush
Front l-r: Mun Teng, Me 


Oh look!! Chee Wen and Jimmy on the AIMST billboard. The billboard is all over the North South highway as well! 


We stayed at the Concorde and here I was, soaking up the christmas decoration and the sunlight while Mel checks in.


Gigantic beautiful christmas tree! 


I think we found a mistletoe on the tree or something.


Couldn’t leave Min Dee out as well!


Esther welcomes you to the Dahlings Headquarter (our room).


Mel was freaked out by the amount of accessories I bought. Hey, I couldn’t decide, alright?


Mun Teng and I took to the bathroom to check out the bathtub.


And did a little more than that.


Sorry Mel!


Later Mun Teng’s eyes grow pustule. 


Min Dee comes out of the closet. Hehe.


We have a nice little spot in the huge bathroom where we congregated for a make-up session that night before heading out to Zouk, which was just a 10 minutes walk away!


Sush makes the best afternoon snacks.


We were trying to replicate the Langkawi Bed Photos! I’d put up a link but I’m too lazy to find the post. It was back in 2004 where we went to Langkawi for the last time.


Our supposedly wild and sexy poses. I was in the midst of swishing my hair.


At the end of a broadway musical pose.


At the end of a Las Vegas show pose.


The crumpled bed. Tim and Aud once came into Chee Kiang and my hotel room during the Nuffnang Vpost Christmas party thing, saw the crumpled sheets and giggled and whispered to each other, “They all also.” Where got, we all so innocent one okay!


Misai Mel.


Hahaha Josama Bin Laiden.


We then changed into something more comfortable before heading down to the pool! Oh! And Abby has arrived as well.


Only Mun Teng can muster that pout.


Such a pro.


Mun Teng’s perfect pink water bottle, Esther’s present to me – a tiny tampon canister and a long slender glass with I don’t know what kind of flowers. 


Our token future tai tai at practice again.l 


A cute photo of Abby adjusting the cameras with the girls behind stifling their yawns.


Nice pyramid shape!


All of us had sunnies to wear except for Liss who made do with her hands.


All legs!


We all had the masquerade look going on while Mel has the batman face she remembers from her kindergarten days.


A kooky one.


Just one more – at least an organized one. 


One last slutty one before we decided that enough was enough and went down to the pool.


All eight girls crammed into the elevator, saw a mirror and proved to be true camwhore professional.


Like we’re in a reality tv show or something.


Mel’s got the rising from the water pose down pat.


No obvious full frontal monokini shot of me coz quite shy and indecent. But not like you want also right! Haha. Later your eyes burn ah. 


Thankfully it wasn’t that big a splash or not shy only.


Abby and Liss.


Getting some underwater hugs from Mun Teng.


Where there is a camera the girlsl will flock to it! Sort of like those carps application on phones which follow your finger pressure.


Mun Teng and I in a very very wrong angle.


Esther’s artistic shot of us girls and our heads. It was damn tiring as we were practically doing chin-ups while trying to lift ourselves out of the water.


One of her with our hotel.


This is what happens when you leave your camera with Esther.


Like I said.. carps. 😛


I had to have one too! I think I don’t have photos of myself these days. Mojo dying and all that. 


The girls spelling out LOVE from the water.


And when you do alphabets with your hands, you’ll definitely do YMCA as well.


I know I look kind of bald in this picture.


Mun Teng’s aqua pancute.


While waiting for six other girls to get ready, Min Dee and I camwhored with our ‘light make up’. Dinner was simple, only KFC at KLCC.


HAHAHAHHA funniest picture. Min Dee and Sush are so professional until they can fit themselves into our camwhoring picture.


Mel and her fish lips.


Them working ladies.. girls’ night out also must use their blackberries.


Esther and I with our movie still moment. 🙂


This picture was to disgust Chien out. She’s all the way in Australia missing out on all this. Along with Amanda and She Dee who were also not in the country. 🙁


Damn salah photo. I hope nobody clicks “Save As” and looks at this picture from time to time. 


Only Mun Teng is capable of the super cute and super kesian face.


Still trying to get in on the action but I was actually trying to snap Mel and Min Dee’s finger lickin’ good moment.


Chicken Chic.


After dinner, it was time for a more elaborate make up session.


Sush and Mel looking gorgeous!


Oh and Min Dee too!


Esther and I making full use of my 120 colours palette. 


Nothing more fun than having a good ol’ bonding session with your besties and sharing make up. (don’t scream, Chien, we didn’t share everything)


Mun Teng the life saver with her Baby Liss curler. 


I have not dared take the plunge yet. This was when my hair was still damn long. I had it cut in late January and it feels SO light now! When it gets long again, then I’ll go get it curled.


Mel starts the in-house jiggy session.


Love love love this picture of Min Dee perfecting her bob! 


A bimbo pose to set the mood. We brought our own bottles to get a little head start so as you can see, I was coated in nice tint of red already. Or was it my blush? Who knows.


Mel’s awesome red leopard print satin dress.


Min Dee and her sly smile..


Mel and her seductive smile..


The girls in white! Min Dee had only just bought that dress about an hour ago from Top Shop. 


Poor Esther had to be the photographer. 


Apparently one of their dance moves. Heh.


If you think Mun Teng has a wide range of pan cute expressions, Mel’s got her own set too.


I’m giving the “Such is life” pose. It’s sort of our “wtf” or “fml” which basically means “So what can you do?” This is Mel poking my cleavage and me going such is life. 


Abby dear and me and my distracting purple hair tie.


Liss, Abby and myself in a chokehold.


Abby and Mel trying out all new poses.


Another bed photo when we are all glammed up! 


Copying each other’s dance moves!


You can see I was really into it.


My idea of a provocative pose. May differ from society’s. 


Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance was blasting from the room’s stereo we were surprised that the hotel management did not kick us out. 


We had our own little dance floor before taking on the real thing.


The girls calmed down for awhile for another photo.


Showcasing what each and everyone of us was wearing to the club that night. Mel’s leopard print dress.


My slinky trival motive dress and a bracelet which I have already lost. 🙁


Esther in her chic black outfit.


Min Dee in her aforementioned new white dress from top shop. With her height and the length of that dress, it was such a great combination.


Sush in a sweet soft cotton top and a light pink skirt.


Abby’s little black dress.


Liss and her bright blue top!

Oh no! I realize I didn’t take a picture of Mun Teng’s outfit. 🙁 Sorry MT! 


One obligatory one with the room mirror.


Sigh, the visibility of a double chin is my sacrifice for my friends so that they look good and can all fit into the picture. Liss proved her blurness once again when she didn’t know who did the far left profile belonged to. It was her own face. 


We were there rather early, as you can see.


Sush and Min Dee getting our drinks for us. 


Mel was getting a little pink too. I like the slight redness on my own face. If only I knew how to apply blusher like that. 


My head is life half the size of their bodies. 


Mel showing off her gorgeous bag she bought from a Barbie flagship store in Shanghai.


Me staring at my RM19 bling bling bag from Sg. Wang.


With Sush and Min Dee. 


“Let’s go to Velvet now!” 


Esther’s turn to get a little pink.


Kissy pic from Sush and me.


At this point I was a little bit too happy. Some random guy took this photo for us and while he was still holding on to my camera I turned to the girls and said loudly, “He is really cute!”


Liss and I. More like restraining me from dancing alone on the dancefloor, which was empty.


With all our busy schedules, it is indeed rare to just come together and have tremendous fun. I’m the only one still in uni save for that future Dr. Ang Su-Chien dwelling in Australia, so you can imagine lah. Trying to organize a short holiday is pretty much a nightmare as there is no such thing as school holidays anymore.


As the night wore on, almost everyone was trying to swat me away.


Totally getting the pan cute expression wrong.


Mel and Mun Teng adoring each other.


I seriously don’t know why I took this photo.


Pretty disco balls hanging from the ceiling! 


Everyone was in the mood already.


Mun Teng and her abuchak pose.


Right then, so I wasn’t the only one dancing anymore.


Camwhoring while walking over to Velvet. 


Bumped into David who was there with…. I’m thinking Amber Chia, Alex Yoong et all? 😛 I think lah. Can’t remember (anything). Haha. 


The rest of the gang were celebrating Marcus’ 23rd birthday at Velvet.


Myself and the birthday boy. 


Sparklers on top of the Moet case.


Hello Hui Shan!


It was quite a big crowd that night!


I’ve always heard of Moet but have never seen it, and not in this size too!


Liss getting some love from Mun Teng. MT seems to have a lot of love to give out.


The birthday boy told me something really funny a few weeks after that. I have this problem where after a certain amount of alcohol, I become a crybaby drunk. Simple things can trigger the tears. Very very very simple. Too embarrassing to say but at that point in time it seemed as if it was the saddest thing on  ever. So there I was sitting on one of the sofas alone sobbing my heart out (thank god the make-up was still intact!) thinking no one saw me since it was so dark. But little did I know that everyone saw me and you know la guys damn scared one when they see a crying girl. 

So Marcus came with his champagne glass wanting to clink glasses, “Heyyyyy – *sees me crying and immediately U-turns*”  The boys told Mel and Esther, “Uh, Jolene’s crying” and they were like, “Haiya always like that one. No need to care.” Yeah really no need to care one. Hahaha. Just my stupid weird self.


Me and a Moet.


Yum seng to the birthday boy! 


Another photo that I love so much!! 


Customary forcing drinks into the birthday boy.


The birthday boy gets the girls.


With E-Guy! 


And Krystle!


And Afiq!


Can see my eyes a little bit swollen? Haha, luckily the mascara, eyeliner etc were still intact. 


Seriously don’t know what I was doing. Hahaha. -__-


Another one with E-Guy.


I think this was after we sang a birthday song for Marcus and he felt shy.


Mun Teng was sad because the club closed at 3am.


Making Marcus finish the remnant of the drinks.


Was happy after that.


Walking back to our hotel.


Mastering the damn sad face together.


Buffet breakfast the next morning with a bunch of really fresh looking girls.


Wish I could say the same about myself.


We decided to end the awesome weekend with a trip to Zouk Spa (go Zouk Club then go Zouk Spa) for a massage. Was about RM50 for an hour, full body. Not too bad! I think the skills of the masseuses there are pretty good.


All five of us had a room to ourselves! The missing ones were downstairs having a leg massage instead. 


One happy photo before we left. 


I look like a monkey here, but don’t agree lah okay. 

Till the next girly weekend getaway! 🙂

I Want To Play Firecrackers But Got Nobody To Play With

Moments after I tweeted about how I’m hearing firecrackers going off outside and wanting to see but felt lazy to, I went downstairs anyway. It was just some children throwing sparkly hand grenades that crackle and pop. If I’m lucky, some rich uncle will shoot up a RM200 box of fireworks. No one in my family is so gung-ho about that and burn RM200? We are chinese after all and the only money we will ever burn is the paper kind. But we are not chinese enough to want to make a hell lot of noise to usher in prosperity and good fortune though.

Firecrackers are actually so very fun when the entire family is back at the grandparents’ house and the older kids will light the firecrackers while the younger ones just stare and watch because ‘they are still small’.

The last time I played firecrackers was with my cousins in Malacca and it was the year 2008. The youngest ‘kid’ among us was my brother and he was already 19. Haha and I wasn’t the oldest. It wasn’t as fun because the adults really can’t be bothered since we are adults ourselves and we should know how to be safe with the fire crackers. So we stuck it in mandarin oranges and had the orange blown into smithereens, tipped a biscuit tin over the firecrackers and blackened the ground and a few years before that, my cousin brother stuck it into the dog’s poo and not only did the damn firecracker not take off, it zipped around the garden dragging the shit with it! 

When I was a kid, firecrackers were so fun. I had to close my ears tightly because the loud noise scared me. The only thing I was allowed to play were the sparklers and the tamer ones did not give out an array of colours. My older cousin brothers would run to the middle of the road and set the tiny firecracker canister on the ground and light it up before running away. It was so exciting to see the firecracker crackle and shoot out sparks in all directions! We were also given Pop-Pop to play with and a favourite thing to do was to put a whole bunch at the back of one of our parents’ cars and sit in fear (at the backseat) as they reverse out the gate. 

Looking at those children screeching with laughter makes me miss having a kampung to go home to where all the family members stay for a few days. It even makes me miss Subang. Yeah, it’s terrible, I’m already back in Kedah because we don’t get one week off. 🙁

All my relatives have their own homes now and gatherings are no longer sleep overs. I want to play firecrackers and fireworks with my family too but I’m at an age where the cousin brothers who once lit the firecrackers and ran off laughing are now in their 30s and the family is devoid of young children with arsonist tendencies. The only child is approaching 3 years of age and would probably cry the house down if I were to play firecrackers with him. And I don’t know where to buy firecrackers!! It’s usually a naughty teenager boy’s job!

I just felt really old while crossing my arm, standing outside my rusty gate like an old neighbourhood grandma – complete with a long batik nightgown, slippers, my hair up in a bun and the house keys dangling from my hand – looking at each hand grenade being thrown dangerously near my house. I also want to play leh. 🙁

What I Like And Hate About Chinese New Year

I think it is the weather. If only I had an air conditioned bubble surrounding me where ever I go during Chinese New Year, I’d probably enjoy it a whole lot more. 

Let’s start off with what I love about chinese new year:

1. I actually love reunion dinners the most.
2. Having Yee Sang and tossing it while muttering auspicious sayings for my own benefit (damn selfish right..haha).
3. The first day of Chinese New Year where it really feels like chinese new year. The festive mood dwindles down after the first day.
4. Counting angpows and breaking last year’s record. Very generous haul this year, even I am surprised!
5. Winning while gambling.
6. Cooing over new nephews, nieces and cousins young enough to be my anak luar nikah (malay translation: child out of wedlock)
7. Long yuk ftw!
8. Mandarin oranges, I think I have reached saturation point. I bought RM34 worth of mandarin oranges in two big plastic bags and ate and ate and ate in my room back in Kedah and I have not actively pursued one since. I just *might* be growing out of it.
9. The red confetti of a disintegrated fire cracker.
10. Being able to tell people that I’m graduating in July. I even don’t mind the “So I’ll be your first patient!” jokes. Just a bit worried about how many first patients I now have.
11. Having a little heart to heart or having a good laugh with relatives I hardly get to meet, realizing we can actually go more than small talk. Hey Michelle, Hey Fiona! 🙂
12. Wearing new clothes.
13. Once upon a time….fire crackers and sparklers.
14.  The lack of jam in Subang Jaya during the festive season. But soon, this will be THE hometown as our parents are gonna be grandparents soon and we will be moving out of this congested suburbia.
15. CHAI CHOI!!!
16. Yeo’s packet drinks.
17.  Beautiful angpow packets.

 

What I Hate About CNY:
1. Not having yee sang for reunion dinners.
2. Having reunion dinners at home with takeaway meals. I had KFC one year, still feeling rather sad about it.
3. Being called fat by relatives. I have SO much to say about this. I read Mel’s tweet on CNY eve about how her relatives can’t keep their comments to themselves about her being a little more meaty. So I suggested that we keep a tally about how many weight comments we get during CNY via twitter under the hashtag #cnyfatcomments. Also unhappy about weight comments, Kok Keith decided to join us.

Here’s our report:

CNY eve:

Mel: What business of everyone is it anyway if I’m fat or thin as long as I’m healthy?! Keep ya comments to yaself! *roar* 

me: @meowdee Let’s keep a tally how many fat comments we get tmr! Read yer tweets! 

Kokkeith: I also got my first! 🙁 RT @jayelleenelial: @meowdee Let’s keep a tally how many fat comments we get tmr! Read yer tweets!

me: @kokkeith : 1 @jayelleenelial: 2 @meowdee: 0 #cnyfatcomments

CNY Day 1:

me: @kokkeith : 1 @jayelleenelial: 3 @meowdee: 0 #cnyfatcomments complete with hand gestures..fml*
 

Mel: @jayelleenelial @kokkeith Hahaha OMG Jo kesian! Mine is still at 1, but I’m only at my grandaunt’s. #cnyfatcomments

Kokkeith: Kena gang bang by all my aunts. 1 even said she wants to pinch my cheeks! Zomg! @kokkeith : 6 @jayelleenelial: 3 @meowdee: 0 #cnyfatcomments

CNY Day 2:

me: Uncle predicted i put on at least 1 kilo. Mel still so lucky ah? @kokkeith : 6 @jayelleenelial: 4 @meowdee: 0 #cnyfatcomments

Mel: @jayelleenelial @kokkeith O boy 🙁 sorry guys. Think mine’s still at 1. #cnyfatcomments

me: Twice from the same uncle! Fuckanathan!! @kokkeith : 6 @jayelleenelial: 5 @meowdee: 1 #cnyfatcomments

Kokkeith: @jayelleenelial @meowdee I’m still at 6, they might be saying I’m fatter but its in hokkien so I just nod & smile. #cnyfatcomments

Throughout the entire duration of fat comments, I’ve had aunties who squeezed the fattest part of my arm, an old grand uncle whom we all thought can’t remember me coz he’s quite weak now, could mumble something that I can’t comprehend but it was accompanied with sign language with two hands firstly close to each other followed by the two hands moving further apart. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what he meant. Then one uncle who sized me up with his good eye saying and in his most tactful and polite voice, “At least 1 kilo more than last year la you.” Then shot me again with round 2 after I was wiping my sweat complaining about the heat, “Especially people like you who are a bit heavier, you’ll sweat more in this weather”.

All the comments were more bearable by being able to update @kokkeith and @meowdee about my latest score.

4. Having to travel from house to house. I had FIVE houses to go to on Day 1 and when I came home, I slept on the living room floor.
5. How angpows don’t mean as much to me now. I was once excited about receiving Rm2 and Rm5 notes as I got to keep those and the bigger RM10 notes were to be given to my mum to be put into the bank for me. Now ang pow money is like loose change that never enters the bank. 🙁 Too paltry an amount, saves me time to just use it as part of my living expenses still the next time I need to withdraw money. 
6. Not knowing which of my new clothes to wear coz I got side tracked to pick out uni clothes/cocktail dresses instead of pretty summer dresses which are suitable to look trendy yet modest enough to not shock the older folks.
7. Tong tong chang music. I hate the ones that are sung by modern singers thinking it is cool to give a little remix to an old chinese new year tune. I like authentic ones, but I would most prefer the sound of the instruments played during a lion dance. 
8. My mouth working faster than my brain. I wish I could turn back time and un-say a few things to some relatives. 🙁
9. Getting pineapple tart crumbs stuck between my teeth. 
10. Losing RM40 one short during a game of In Between.
11. Not that I hate, but I’m not too keen when I have to attend a big open house. The host is far too busy and we have to make new friends instead of bonding with old friends.
12.  The smell of rotten mandarin oranges.
13. Having to endure the infamous chinese new year weather. This year is particularly worse. It’s humid as well!
14. The mere thought of having a stretch of houses to visit. (but it’s not so bad once the conversation flows)
15. Having to go back early to school without being able to absorb all of the chinese new year. 🙁

I think that’s about it.

What If Things Were To Ever End?

Sometimes I imagine myself having to look again if things between me and Chee Kiang should ever end. Please touch all the wood for me because I would never want that to happen. But shit happens, so I just try to imagine the impossible and its consequences. 

Firstly, it would be difficult for me because before I was in a relationship, all I ever knew about relationships was romance and what the movies told me. A hot guy with a sweet nature is all that is needed to sweep you off your feet. 

I just don’t know if there is anyone else out there who can firstly be attracted to me. If being attracted wasn’t difficult enough, he would have to put up with the person that I am. Not the one that I parade around for the world to see, but the girl who lives in a messy world (or room), who sometimes speak with so much of oblivion and self righteousness about issues that she doesn’t take to, who is infamous among closest and dearest to her with a mouth as big as Gua Mulu (though I’m working on it ever since I got into ugly situations with friends), who will eventually grow into a typical overbearing chinese parent (money + professional career FTW, nothing else. Passion what passion? Can eat ah?), who can’t take criticism of any kind, who actually doesn’t have much to offer except her self degrading sense of humour. (only she can degrade herself, btw)

I of course think what kind of relationships I would have with the many guy friends in my life. What kind of boyfriend would they be? Again, this is something I never knew when I was a teenager, but it is very, very difficult to find a personality that can match yours. Friends might change to become another person when they become a boyfriend. Not necessarily for the better.

I cannot remember what Chee Kiang was like as a friend. To be honest, what he was as a person back in school is quite a blur to me because as far as I can remember, he was already Boyfriend.  So it’s difficult to compare. You ask him lah, for sure he’ll forget what I was like as a friend. I’m the more sentimental one of the two of us anyway, so I’m laying down 20 bucks first. 😛

If things should ever end between us, I am afraid I might always compare the new ones to him. What if new boyfriends are bad tempered, cold, chauvinistic and pretty much a ladies (who are not his wives) man? I’d be there pining for my old Chee Kiang who never dared to raise his voice at me (though sometimes he does when he gets exasperated when I repeat my questions one too many times. But you know what I mean, I could never imagine having an other half who yelled at me constantly), who wasn’t a big flirt, who never ordered me to do things for him and who was always in a good jovial mode except when he needed to nap.

Could I ever stomach the fights that I never had in my previous relationship? I hate confrontations and I don’t think most guys would take an argument lying down. The both of us have learned of a way to deal with arguments and pretty much don’t hold it against each other and make-up within 24 hours. I hope this will last, I do! In another relationship this could be very different. The fictional boyfriend might fall into a really bad temper that could last for days and I’m the one who is supposed to cajole him and do all the apologizing. I don’t ever want to put myself through constant heartaches in a relationship. 

For fear of sounding nauseating, I think that I am really lucky to get it right the first time. What if I have to do it a second, third, fourth and fifth time before I decide, okay, this might be the one? It would be too long a process. 

Would I be able to control my jealous nature? At this point in time, Chee Kiang still finds it amusing and is quick to side with me when I start to tear a girl into pieces in my head who flirts with him like she has known him for years. Fucking bitch. *gets a bit angry at the memory* I have moments when I cannot accept female accompany around him though he has known some of the girls for so many years that the thought of anything is ridiculous. Tell you what, let’s blame it on my period for some of those outbursts. But on the whole, as long as he has introduced me to the girls, and we get along like a house on fire, then all is well. I don’t recall ever seeing Chee Kiang jealous though. Only times when I’m having an exposed cleavage or I stick out my chest for friends to read my latest t-shirt, he’ll be like, “Wei!” and puts his hand over to shield it from the adoring public. 

Also, when you were younger, financial status was never an issue. But there is always an imbalance. If you get together with too poor a man, it doesn’t mean that you’re a gold digger for resenting him, it is because you foresee his lack of ambition and the possibility that he might live off you. If you get together with too rich a man, statistics show that most of them can afford to have affairs and they have you bounded to them financially. I need to find an equal. So difficult to find an equal you know? (from what I have heard) 

Now let’s look at the flip side. How can I let him go back into the sea for fishing women with all the amazing qualities that he has shown to me? I would break into pieces knowing some other lucky girl laughs hard because she knows what is going on when he takes off his glasses. How he would share his super spontaneous story telling skills of imagined scenarios without so much as a pause, filled with things that he thinks are awesome? (international neighbourhood… basically he would love to be in the United Nations, joking about possible scandalous children etc.)  

I don’t know if I were to hurt more if he treats his next (NEVER!!) girlfriend just like how he treated me. I would definitely definitely hurt if he did more things for the next girlfriend than he ever did for me. Which girl wouldn’t? It’s something that I really cannot bear to imagine. Some people love to mend a broken heart (good for writing poems and songs and such), but I cannot. 

Think further. If he were to marry someone else and not me and go on to build that family we often talk about, how would I feel? If I were to bump into him at some shopping complex with a couple of his kids with those double eyelids and height that I so wanted for my own children, it would probably kill me.  If, if, if. So many ifs. 

After five years, the possibility of starting over is a daunting process, too tiring, you can’t bear the thought of playing the game again, you just want to keep going closer and closer to the next phase in life.. so should everything end, you would lose what you have worked on so far. The efforts and the time all down the drain. Meaningless years. I hope we will always make it work.