Blogging is SUCH a chore, you know?!

But it’s good to be back to share sometimes.

So for those who have wondered where I have disappeared off to, I’m currently in my second year of my compulsory service with the government. When my FYDOship ended, I was supposed to report for duty at Batu Pahat!! After many tearful phone calls to the headquarters and a very fortunate switch with a colleague in JB, I’m still in JB, living with Chee Kiang who is still working in Singapore.

We’ve been doing this for over 7 months now and living together has been amazing. We cook almost every week night, sometimes I dump him here and drive home to Subang Shah Alam myself. Yeah, my family has moved away from Subang too. It still hurts when I think about my childhood house in SS18.  Going into Singapore whenever friends want to meet up, exploring JB together, watching downloaded movies together on our landlord’s flatscreen and sleeping in the living room every single night because the entire apartment is literally our bedroom.

Oh! I’ve started baking and cooking more too!

Butter cookies fresh from the oven! I wanted to decorate it with royal icing but the icing i made was way too sweet and runny, so I gave up. I’ll need to head out to buy lemons and meringue powder to try again. Don’t think I’ll use raw egg whites again as it is not hygienic. And I have no idea where I can get pasteurized egg whites.

Spinach pan mee with the necessary yums

Tried roasting a chicken. Tasted okay, couldn’t get it to be a dark crispy brown.

Herbal chicken, not too bad!

And my favourite and my best dish (ahem), chicken+broccoli+carrots+french beans dimsum style. <3

I think I drifted off again.

Yes, so throughout university I knew that I had to, needed to, MUST end up in Johor in order to put an end to the nonsense that was a long distance relationship. I was sent to Kluang first when I first entered the workforce and after making it through 6 months, I am finally in JB. When my first year training ended, I managed to secure myself to be permanently based in JB.

It’s all going to plan, isn’t it?

But deep down in my heart, I wanted.. or thought that it was to be this way: That the both of us complete our respective three years with the government and move back home to finally start our lives somewhere permanent.

But it’s not fair to uproot him from Singapore when he has put in so much effort building up his career here. Not only that, if I go back, I will have to start networking all over again. It’s okay if we start off immediately after the end of our compulsory service because we are still relatively young then and can slug it out. But I’m afraid that won’t be the case and we’ll probably have more…well, changes in our lives if we wait it out a few years and head back in our very late 20s or early 30s.

I do want to open my clinic one day and I want to open it somewhere where I will grow old.

I am confused about plans to work in Johor, KL or Singapore.

The reason why I want to go home is so that my children can grow up around their grandparents and I can be there for my family. It’s just horrible to have to grow up and old without your parents around. But most people don’t have a choice because of their careers and I am afraid that we might just be one of those people.

For an AIMST graduate, it might be a little tricky because the degree is not listed in the list that the Singapore Dental Council has come up with. Most of the Malaysian public dental schools aren’t even on the list too. We have to sit for an exam which, IF you can qualify for it with the suitable requirements, has a waiting list of 2 years. I hear that it’s the final paper for the Year 5 NUS students. I will of course try for it if I have the chance to. I would need to study really really really hard for it and cross all possible fingers and toes.

Singapore would be nice. But I really need some guidance if Johor is just as good, if not better. Or even better than KL for that matter, which I hear is pretty saturated now.

It gives me hope that there is so much development going on in the city and there is a buzz of excitement about the endless possibilities. Healthcare facilities, residential areas, educational institutions (though I’ll probably still send my kids to a government school to let them see the real Malaysia and save the money for their overseas education) etc.

The whole Johor-Singapore thing works very well for us now. I know a big chunk of Johor roads now, made a horde of new friends from work and more contacts from helping out with the southern zone’s dental association….

I just hope that it is the right choice to be based here.

I cried when I had to let go of an interview in The Star back in 2005, like it was the most important thing to do in my blogging career. ( that article did propel four bloggers who went on to enjoy phenomenal success with their blogs) but I really don’t feel anything about it now.

I was envious of peers who had higher readership and tried hard to get there but would fail and feel hurt when opportunities would come for them and not for me.

I was a lot of stupid things.

I really don’t care about all that now. I don’t even get advertorials anymore and continue to turn down the odd clueless company pr people who just don’t do their research on obviously retired bloggers. How can a blogger give you any publicity if she only posts once or twice a month?

Now all I think about is if I should further my studies, charting my career path, if I should open my own clinic, if so, how many can I have, where will the money come from, how do I manage my finance, what establishments can I join in the future, expanding the sticker monster, if I should buy an oven so I can finally cook in all possible ways and maybe pick up baking…so many things!

All I am saying is that there was a period of time where I let it all out because i thought that’s who i am and i enjoyed doing it and now I’m over it. In a way I have become less in tune with my blogger self so when shit happens I get more upset easily than I used to be.

While my father’s worries for me were of people trying to defame me by digging up dirt from my blog when I run for prime minister or something, my concerns are for the asshole public’s lack of tack and humanity to take things from my blog and dissect it in forums where anonymous bastards only has physical opinions to give about anything female being posted there.

My friend and junior from uni, Tee Luun, alerted me on facebook about a post in lowyat. While slightly hurtful, it was just a replica of what happened in the past.

Last time, there was a post on lowyat about the blogger girls used in an advertorial for maxis broadband. A few of us were invited on a girls’ day out and were loan a netbook each. So naturally we had to blog about it and there were photographs of us on our respective blogs, newspapers and magazines. No prizes for guessing who stuck out like a sore thumb among our crop of petite and slender popular girl bloggers. So yeah, flamed on the forums for being big sized and ugly, I was hurt. Before I opened the link to that forum, I was already expecting that i would get such treatment.

Then it became the past.

Sometime before I graduated, my post on creating double eyelids (which I have privatized ever since) was taken and the people on that forum were horrified by the ugliness of it all, cursing while they were at it. That post has been freaked-out-about on some foreign blogs and forums, usually about how Asian girls can’t deal with the fact that they have slitty eyes..but the treatment it received from that particular local forum (can’t remember the address..kopitiam something) pretty much took the cake. The comments were so mean and humiliating. I felt embarrassed because I was about to come out into the working world and I felt like I had no dignity when put in that kind of light so I asked the moderator to remove the post, explaining my situation and he was kind enough to do it. I privatized that particular post because I didn’t like the attention it received.

That too became the past.

It’s not easy to continue feeling neutral about myself when time and time again random douchebags keep reminding me about it. I know I am not ugly to the point where people recoil in horror when they see me out in the streets but perhaps compared to the usual hot chics they prefer to see fleeting across their computer screens, they are left with a bad taste in their mouth when someone like me, not a porn star, nor a typical doe eyed sexy beauty, suddenly appearing on their LCD screens, surely it’s a stark contrast! So…this always always happens. So sien.

What happened today was mild, just a post referring to my height and if I am tall (because I claim to be, standing at 169cm) but of course you got the trolls who will always always always always relate everything to my face. The photos they used were recent too, photos from Kluang and I’m not going to be one of those who privatize my whole blog.

Link: http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/1935892

It’s either I keep going or I just delete it.

If I keep going, who knows what else will be misconstrued, twisted into something unflattering on the forums?

If I delete it, I lose years of memories, years of interactions and a record of every single bit of emotion I have felt in my late teens to early adulthood.

But sometimes it is easier to just press delete and not have to worry about trolls anymore. Is it worth it to be brave about it?

Can anybody explain to me why trolls do what they do?

What do they derive from it?

Is there some satisfaction from humiliating people and all? I mean yea you might cringe when you see someone making a fool of themselves on YouTube, but why comment at all with hurtful words? (no I don’t have embarrassing YouTube videos, I’m just saying.)

Can my future employers understand that I’m just someone normal who enjoys a good laugh without showing her panties to the world or popping out a boob or doing drugs (complete with photos) or even murdering animals or defaming the name of my current workplace(with photos too!) who just so happen to be unfortunate enough to be the subject of a few trolls along the way who have no qualms about making a fool of me with what I was born with (or what I ate over the years)?

I just want to keep this space on the net without worrying too much and feeling so much, please?

We are moving the first of our things into our very first rented apartment together. My pots and pans and textbooks will go first. Only that alone has taken up the whole car!! @.@ Might have to use the textbooks as decor on the ceiling or the walls in our tiny apartment.

I would say this is a pretty huge milestone for us as we have been playing the long distance game for.. well, forever! We have never been the couple who saw each other day which I believe allowed us our own space to grow during the past six years in our own ways and yet whenever we get to meet during our semester holidays, we make the most of it and then go back to living our own lives. It was difficult at times but you get used to it.

Being in Kluang for the past six months was great because I could go home anytime I wanted (space) or choosing to go down to him (spending time together). It was a perfect balance, a gradual step to living together.

I have been praying and bugging and praying and bugging and begging for the second leg of my first year dental officer posting to be done in JB and thankfully, I GOT IT!!! We went apartment hunting the very next day.

It still hasn’t quite sunk in… this whole living together thing. It’s exciting and strange at the same time because living on my own usually means that I have housemates. Is he my housemate? My family? What is he? What is this?? It’s a strange limbo between boyfriend and husband. It’s a whole new level of closeness. I think this is what people mean when they say taking the next step.

The both of us did feel awkward as we surveyed the apartments, quite shy to introduce ourselves as a couple, almost like as if we’re too young to be a ‘couple’. We really need to get this whole We-Are-Still-Kids mentality out of our heads because god knows how long ago that was. This is what being in university for far too long does to you. You grow up a little later than your peers.

I have friends my age already buying houses, some even buying houses on their own without a partner involved. It’s all very adultish!

The idea was to get an apartment that was not too far from the causeway, super safe and near enough to my workplace. But because of the rotations a FYDO would have to do, I’ll have to drive around Johor Bahru for quite a bit and best of all, against the crazy morning traffic!

We were very fortunate, albeit very much poorer now too after paying 3 months rental plus utilities deposit for a 700 sq ft place within spitting distance from Hospital Sultanah Aminah, one of the places I’ll be attached to! I keep telling everyone that it’s really within spitting distance! Like, I can literally throw paper planes from my balcony and it would land in the hospital grounds! It’s also a stone’s throw from the seaside..which is basically just rocks because you ain’t got no beach front along the causeway area. No worries! I still have a seaside residence! The sea breeze blows in pretty strongly so I think we can save on aircon usage!

A lovely plus is the fact that Hospital Sultanah Aminah is THE place for all emergency cases so that means when I am on-call, I can just walk over when my phone goes off!

I’m so glad we’re here, the end of our long distance relationship journey. This moment was a hope we held on to dearly for the 5-6 years. We were even surveying Johor Bahru two years before graduation…that’s how excited we were! And to finally be here, we really don’t quite know what to make of it.

and yes, we have both our parents’ blessings to be doing this together. More like no eye see.. hahahaha. <3

Maybe because we both had particular long days which is why we are feeling this way but there’s like a stretch of 40 years of work before retirement. Is there such a thing as fresh grad syndrome? Where you feel jaded at times? I tell him that having goals in place will make our work more rewarding. A belief that I hope to hold on to as well.

While I feel my work is repetitive, at the same time I am plagued by the perpetual fear of not knowing if I know enough. It does eat at me. I know what I have to do, but there’s no exam to look forward to.. I need to be pressured into doing it.

I have roughly been through my career options in my mind a few times but all that would need money (furthering my studies, setting up a clinic…), I need to know what is best for me in the long run. What my priorities are. I can’t possibly be setting up a general clinic then running off to specialize after a couple of years, can I? But with only a few months under my belt, I really don’t know everything there is to know about this field.. I don’t really know what I want to do. I don’t really know if I should limit myself to a specialized field. I don’t know!

I believe it’s okay to have dreams in many places. You don’t have to have only one dream, one way of enjoying yourself. While it is important to have goals in your career, it doesn’t necessarily have to be the only thing you prioritize in life. As most of you would know, I really really enjoy my little sticker hobby-business. That’s a dream in its own.

I chose dentistry because I narrowed it down from the things I’d rather do. This was when I was 16 years old, burdened by the huge duty of having to make life changing choices. SPM and college times were so hard and confusing. I knew very well that I hated physics to my very core, chemistry was nice, ahem, used to get the highest in class but was bombing chemistry in college, sometimes failing it too.. but I knew I had to do something science related.

I needed something that had no maths…no physics…no chemistry…..no sitting in a lab looking into microscopes… I’ve always liked biology in school. I liked how the human body worked. I actually wouldn’t have minded medicine but the long hours were the number 1 reason why I didn’t choose the field. Not like I confirm can get into med school also..ceh:P But dentistry provided me with all that. A chance to be in science, a chance to meet people day in day out and a chance to go home to make dinner for my family! I can be a professional AND a mother AND a wife! Yeah, so traditional at 16.

I really do..I really do like meeting people.

But sometimes, I sort of see why customer service people can’t provide customers with the most optimum level of services equipped with a smile. It has to be done. Especially now that the clinic has implemented a system for the patients to drop a yellow laminated smile in a box at the counter to rate our services. Sometimes there are very very difficult people to be dealt with. No matter how you reason, they don’t see the point in what you are trying to say.

Sometimes I wonder exactly how is my work rewarding? One patient might feel happy that he can now chew his chicken without any getting stuck in the cavity, another patient might feel grateful that her front tooth is replaced, another might finally get a good night’s sleep after the abscess has been removed. It does sound rewarding but it’s not epic. Unless the lama-lama jadi bukit thing holds true, then well, yeah.

An incident today did make me feel like I had a real purpose aside from fixing their teeth. A patient was so so so so so so so x1000000 of coming into the surgery. I invited her to sit down but she just stood there rooted to the spot, not saying a word. I thought “Great, another patient with mental disabilities…….how should I approach her?” Then I saw tears forming in her eyes. And then I realized that it was a really great fear of going to the dentist. She said that everything dental related scared her. The chair, the tray, the door, the light….. the patient and I had a good laugh after I explained everything to her, trying to alleviate her fears. I made jokes, she joked back, we had a good rapport going on. THAT was rewarding. To be able to change a person’s mind set, I think that is what matters most to me.

I guess at the end of the day it all boils down to appreciation. I want to tell that someone that it applies to him too. Appreciation for the things we do can go a long way.

I do wonder if all mid 20s go through such a period where they question where do they go from here.

But you know, I’ve a feeling that a couple of decades from now, we’ll all be well respected figures, solid and grounded with the odd cynicism here and there. We’ll be all right.

Firecrackers are actually so very fun when the entire family is back at the grandparents’ house and the older kids will light the firecrackers while the younger ones just stare and watch because ‘they are still small’.

The last time I played firecrackers was with my cousins in Malacca and it was the year 2008. The youngest ‘kid’ among us was my brother and he was already 19. Haha and I wasn’t the oldest. It wasn’t as fun because the adults really can’t be bothered since we are adults ourselves and we should know how to be safe with the fire crackers. So we stuck it in mandarin oranges and had the orange blown into smithereens, tipped a biscuit tin over the firecrackers and blackened the ground and a few years before that, my cousin brother stuck it into the dog’s poo and not only did the damn firecracker not take off, it zipped around the garden dragging the shit with it! 

When I was a kid, firecrackers were so fun. I had to close my ears tightly because the loud noise scared me. The only thing I was allowed to play were the sparklers and the tamer ones did not give out an array of colours. My older cousin brothers would run to the middle of the road and set the tiny firecracker canister on the ground and light it up before running away. It was so exciting to see the firecracker crackle and shoot out sparks in all directions! We were also given Pop-Pop to play with and a favourite thing to do was to put a whole bunch at the back of one of our parents’ cars and sit in fear (at the backseat) as they reverse out the gate. 

Looking at those children screeching with laughter makes me miss having a kampung to go home to where all the family members stay for a few days. It even makes me miss Subang. Yeah, it’s terrible, I’m already back in Kedah because we don’t get one week off.

All my relatives have their own homes now and gatherings are no longer sleep overs. I want to play firecrackers and fireworks with my family too but I’m at an age where the cousin brothers who once lit the firecrackers and ran off laughing are now in their 30s and the family is devoid of young children with arsonist tendencies. The only child is approaching 3 years of age and would probably cry the house down if I were to play firecrackers with him. And I don’t know where to buy firecrackers!! It’s usually a naughty teenager boy’s job!

I just felt really old while crossing my arm, standing outside my rusty gate like an old neighbourhood grandma – complete with a long batik nightgown, slippers, my hair up in a bun and the house keys dangling from my hand – looking at each hand grenade being thrown dangerously near my house. I also want to play leh.

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Firstly, it would be difficult for me because before I was in a relationship, all I ever knew about relationships was romance and what the movies told me. A hot guy with a sweet nature is all that is needed to sweep you off your feet. 

I just don’t know if there is anyone else out there who can firstly be attracted to me. If being attracted wasn’t difficult enough, he would have to put up with the person that I am. Not the one that I parade around for the world to see, but the girl who lives in a messy world (or room), who sometimes speak with so much of oblivion and self righteousness about issues that she doesn’t take to, who is infamous among closest and dearest to her with a mouth as big as Gua Mulu (though I’m working on it ever since I got into ugly situations with friends), who will eventually grow into a typical overbearing chinese parent (money + professional career FTW, nothing else. Passion what passion? Can eat ah?), who can’t take criticism of any kind, who actually doesn’t have much to offer except her self degrading sense of humour. (only she can degrade herself, btw)

I of course think what kind of relationships I would have with the many guy friends in my life. What kind of boyfriend would they be? Again, this is something I never knew when I was a teenager, but it is very, very difficult to find a personality that can match yours. Friends might change to become another person when they become a boyfriend. Not necessarily for the better.

I cannot remember what Chee Kiang was like as a friend. To be honest, what he was as a person back in school is quite a blur to me because as far as I can remember, he was already Boyfriend.  So it’s difficult to compare. You ask him lah, for sure he’ll forget what I was like as a friend. I’m the more sentimental one of the two of us anyway, so I’m laying down 20 bucks first.

If things should ever end between us, I am afraid I might always compare the new ones to him. What if new boyfriends are bad tempered, cold, chauvinistic and pretty much a ladies (who are not his wives) man? I’d be there pining for my old Chee Kiang who never dared to raise his voice at me (though sometimes he does when he gets exasperated when I repeat my questions one too many times. But you know what I mean, I could never imagine having an other half who yelled at me constantly), who wasn’t a big flirt, who never ordered me to do things for him and who was always in a good jovial mode except when he needed to nap.

Could I ever stomach the fights that I never had in my previous relationship? I hate confrontations and I don’t think most guys would take an argument lying down. The both of us have learned of a way to deal with arguments and pretty much don’t hold it against each other and make-up within 24 hours. I hope this will last, I do! In another relationship this could be very different. The fictional boyfriend might fall into a really bad temper that could last for days and I’m the one who is supposed to cajole him and do all the apologizing. I don’t ever want to put myself through constant heartaches in a relationship. 

For fear of sounding nauseating, I think that I am really lucky to get it right the first time. What if I have to do it a second, third, fourth and fifth time before I decide, okay, this might be the one? It would be too long a process. 

Would I be able to control my jealous nature? At this point in time, Chee Kiang still finds it amusing and is quick to side with me when I start to tear a girl into pieces in my head who flirts with him like she has known him for years. Fucking bitch. *gets a bit angry at the memory* I have moments when I cannot accept female accompany around him though he has known some of the girls for so many years that the thought of anything is ridiculous. Tell you what, let’s blame it on my period for some of those outbursts. But on the whole, as long as he has introduced me to the girls, and we get along like a house on fire, then all is well. I don’t recall ever seeing Chee Kiang jealous though. Only times when I’m having an exposed cleavage or I stick out my chest for friends to read my latest t-shirt, he’ll be like, “Wei!” and puts his hand over to shield it from the adoring public. 

Also, when you were younger, financial status was never an issue. But there is always an imbalance. If you get together with too poor a man, it doesn’t mean that you’re a gold digger for resenting him, it is because you foresee his lack of ambition and the possibility that he might live off you. If you get together with too rich a man, statistics show that most of them can afford to have affairs and they have you bounded to them financially. I need to find an equal. So difficult to find an equal you know? (from what I have heard) 

Now let’s look at the flip side. How can I let him go back into the sea for fishing women with all the amazing qualities that he has shown to me? I would break into pieces knowing some other lucky girl laughs hard because she knows what is going on when he takes off his glasses. How he would share his super spontaneous story telling skills of imagined scenarios without so much as a pause, filled with things that he thinks are awesome? (international neighbourhood… basically he would love to be in the United Nations, joking about possible scandalous children etc.)  

I don’t know if I were to hurt more if he treats his next (NEVER!!) girlfriend just like how he treated me. I would definitely definitely hurt if he did more things for the next girlfriend than he ever did for me. Which girl wouldn’t? It’s something that I really cannot bear to imagine. Some people love to mend a broken heart (good for writing poems and songs and such), but I cannot. 

Think further. If he were to marry someone else and not me and go on to build that family we often talk about, how would I feel? If I were to bump into him at some shopping complex with a couple of his kids with those double eyelids and height that I so wanted for my own children, it would probably kill me.  If, if, if. So many ifs. 

After five years, the possibility of starting over is a daunting process, too tiring, you can’t bear the thought of playing the game again, you just want to keep going closer and closer to the next phase in life.. so should everything end, you would lose what you have worked on so far. The efforts and the time all down the drain. Meaningless years. I hope we will always make it work.

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I changed when I entered high school because I was at that age when I needed to create an identity for myself. But fortunately for me, that identity stuck but sometime between form4 to my college years, it toned itself down and I matured a little. I was loud but I was not that crazy 14 year old who went around slapping boys’ backsides and grabbing other girls’ boobs just for shock value for the surrounding friends. No one sued me, everybody had a good laugh. 

Being assertive is a good thing. But sometimes, when is too much? I am more scathing and I get angry easily. I believe I do get angry for the right reasons too because where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Where there are stupid people, I’ll be there bitching till the sky falls down.

Should a person spoil my day and maybe a few consequent days after that, I put on a really vocal show to my friends about wanting to make that person regret his or her actions and maybe even vow to arrange for actions to be taken against that person. But in the end, I couldn’t do it. Somewhere deep inside this bitch that I am, I found myself wanting to give a chance. Not that I’m expecting the person to change because she never will. But I don’t want to take away something that I still don’t know the importance of because I’m not out there yet. One day I too will depend on something and I can imagine should that be taken away from me, I would be broken and broke. Karma is an ugly thing. So I’m just going to leave it for now.

Sometimes when people have taken steps to cross the boundaries set by the judging and invisible hands of their friends, what should the friends do? Turn a blind eye? Would I understand and do the same if I’m in a similiar position? I mean who are we to judge. We might do the same too. We might.

Envy. I am envious. I do wonder if the same will happen for me. But how is it done? When it actually happens, do you roll your eyes even though for years you have told yourself that you want it so badly? Will it even happen for me? What’s the purpose of it when the answer is already as obvious as day?

Somedays I think, when will I stop ordering this plate of chicken rice from the same chicken rice stall? I love it so much. The soya sauce bathing the slices of steamed chicken, with cucumbers of random bitterness and a bowl of soup that is always there to wet my fragrant rice with. I know I sound like some Amy Tan knock off but bear with me. When I see it, I want it. But sometimes Bak Kut Teh is more enticing. And so many other selections at my favourite foodcourt. I will always go back to my chicken rice at the end of the day because I enjoy slurping the skin. Yes I slurp the smooth chicken skin, it is THAT smooth. You should try it if you have the chance. Sometimes the Bak Kut Teh aunty will look at me with a bit of sadness when I walk pass her stall without buying anything, but I am like that, I love chicken rice too much.

But taste buds are a funny thing. Sometimes they may want to have yam cake for lunch instead. Sometimes if I’m rushing for time, just a char siew pau. I know I don’t make sense but I know precisely what I am talking about. 

Sometimes I just run out of ideas and I wonder what this means. If I try, it’ll come out wrong, if I don’t, I’ll just hate myself for not making the effort to.

I wonder if I’m the only one.

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I just want you to bring back her foul mouth,
The ones that her friends love and miss so much,
Return her the humour she was famous for,
And the life that is waiting for her up ahead.

I just want her to have what the future holds for us,
I don’t understand why it should be different,
I wonder if you know it’s not fair,
To be cruel to someone so sweet.

I just want her to resume her life,
To continue dazzling us with her stories,
Of the crazy people whom she loves,
And to complete her dreams.

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Almost everyone is a Michael Jackson fan now that the man is dead. I shall embrace my role as one of the many hypocritics before I continue with this post. My mother even bought some of his concert dvds. My MOTHER! Whose last brush with celeb fanaticism was some old guy who sang the song Patches and performed in Genting Highlands a while back. To my amusement, she even told me that our part time cleaner is also an MJ fan. That got me into stitches. My aunty cleaner who doesn’t even speak english but nags all day as she cleans our house.

And today she sent my brother out to the bookshop to buy magazines with Michael Jackson’s stories in it.

I keep telling her to learn how to use the internet, emails are supposed to be replied immediately not four months later. She’s totally missing out on a lot now that she wants to know so much about MJ and the internet is like spilling with everything that would be interesting!

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been googling and googling about all things pertaining to Michael Jackson. Of course, the stories surrounding his death are rather sensational (children not his, debts, drugs etc) but I’m not particularly intrigued by that. In fact, I find it boring. Especially the drugs. Ho-hum. What’s the big deal? Every other celeb death is assumed to be linked to it.

If you’re on my facebook, you would be bombarded by links to MJ stories and videos. So I thought it’d be a good idea to put it all up here and share it – something that I enjoy doing. When I like/get obsessed with something, all I want to do is share. Friends may remember the Moffatts obsession, the Douglas Lim craziness, Homecoming (chinese show) and maybe Lady Gaga for awhile. I try to like her.. but I only like a few songs. Welcome to the Michael Jackson mania, people. *bows*

Some people might find it annoying and I am just cowering waiting for some fierce person to ask me to stfu already. You know the type. Those who deem themselves to be anti-establishment, those who shun anything mainstream. Those who appear to be cool just because they are different.

It’s okay to embrace your own interests and I’m doing exactly that! All I can say is you guys should be grateful that I am no religious zealot, I would probably be the world’s most annoying evangelist EVAR.

Lie Yuen comes into my room less now coz she’s afraid I’ll trap her here over an hour torturing her with countless videos and photos of his children.

Because of his death, I finally bothered to listen to more of his songs and viewed his performances on youtube. I daresay that this is my first time, actually, watching Michael Jackson perform. All the while I only see him in the papers with his bizarre scandals and on tabloids. I didn’t grow up in the 80s. I still listened to nursery rhymes way into the 90s until 1998, when the boyband fever engulfed all little girls in that era. I thought the video to You Rock My World in 2002 was uber boring. I still do. But I love that song! But I loved Sophie Ellis Beaxtor, Shakira and Mariah Carey more at that time. How was I to appreciate the magic of Michael Jackson if I was not exposed to it enough? Advertisements in 1996 of his HIStory tour just didn’t cut it for me, neither did his face on my pepsi water tumbler which I carried during recess times under my armpits as a no nonsense school prefect.

So seeing him perform in the late 80s to early 90s.. I’m. blown. away. How can those legs move like that? Those crazy spins! Won’t his toes break?!

Scream more, Michael! Scream more! Oh how I love to hear him hoot and howl. I can’t copy any of that without sounding like a sick dog.

I’m sure every fan would have a favourite Michael era. For all his flak about the skin bleaching and the plastic surgery, I actually think that he benefited A LOT from a certain amount of plastic surgery. I like him best from Thriller to the times he appeared on stage for his HIStory tour.. that man is SMOKING HOT. A little black eyeliner is actually a good idea on male celebrities, not normal people. PLEASE. Think Adam Lambert. Thought he was a poofy wannabe from the pictures in the papers but saw him on youtube, quite delicious. So yeah, John Travolta style chin clefts don’t really cut it for me. He really should have stopped there, in the early 1990s.

Then I sit back and think, damn. This man is only one year younger than my father. Even my mother is a couple of years younger than Michael Jackson. Can’t imagine Michael Jackson nagging me to clean my room and not to come home so late. But I sure as hell am salivating over his svelte bod circa Black or White. Which is very wrong again.

Before I launch into the torrent of links and videos, let me wax lyrical a little about some of my favourite MJ songs.

The Girl Is MIne – a duet with Paul McCartney.

A lot of people have said they forgive Michael for a poor collaboration but I thought this was one of the nicest songs ever! The dragged out tunes, well controlled vocals and harmony.. I could listen to it a hundred times and not get sick of it. Maybe I’ll get sick of it at 105 but it’s still a really really really nice song. So easy to listen, so cute. I especially like the part where the instruments end on a little cliff hanger sort and MJ goes, “Don’t waste your time…~”. I twittered about how Paul McCartney really sounds like the Beatles in this song. Which is stupid, coz he is part of the Beatles. But you know, it’s different when you take him out of the comfort zone. It’s a nice touch.

Scream – a duet with Janet Jackson.

LOL Why do I love his duets so much? His screams here are so goddamn sexxxxyyyy. ARGGGggggghHhhhh. Sort of like a surround sound effect that goes from the left speaker to the right. Instead of the ‘hee-hees!’ that he is famous for, he gives a sort of hoot. Very different from his usual style. The lyrics are just so in your face. They say that the HIStory album is very auobiographical, chronicling his child molestation accusations and the effect that the media had on him.

The music video – most expensive ever at 7million bucks given the technology utilized for the video in 1995 – is quite entertaining too though he looks very feminine here. Some men can pull off the feminine look very well. But please, my call to society, don’t attempt if you’re straight as a rod. Straight guys look hot as they are. Gay men are hot in the sense that they make girls weep because they are off limits. But drag-like..not a good idea if you still wanna pick up the ladies.

Janet’s really ..um.. spunky (sounds like a 90s word) in this. So full of charisma with that fierce factor going on. Very angry and very raw. I likee. And you get to hear the siblings say Fuck too in this video! Read somewhere that Michael Jackson NEVER curses. If Michael never died, I would have continued to be a bigger Janet Jackson fan. I still have Someone To Call My Lover on loop.

Beat It

Probably my favourite for his group dance moves. Weird part was the mouth breathing part at the pool table. I like the tune to “No one wants to be defeated.” I always find myself drawn to lyrics that are pronounced poorly. In the song it sounds like, “no-en wants oo- bee- defea-eh..”. Couldn’t wrap my head around the lyrics for the longest time before I managed to google it.
Oh and those hips swinging in sync with them finger snaps. Good lord. Tried it in front of the mirror, ended up a fool.

Billie Jean

I like his shouty songs and this is one of it! Furthermore, this is intermingled with his ballad voice. Overplayed everywhere, my ipod included, but this is where the world was first introduced to the moonwalk. And did I mention those crazy legs? Ultimate crazy legs in this one!

I Just Can’t Stop.. Loving You – A Duet with Siddah Garrett.

He initially wanted Barbara Streisand or Whitney Houston to do the female vocals but they had obligations and so he ended up doing it with Siddah Garrett, the lady who wrote his song Man In The Mirror. This is a beautiful ballad. Every song that I like and am drawn to is due to the uniqueness of the tune. A little something that sets it apart from other melodies. And this song’s defining moment is the part where they duet, “I just can’t stop.. *beautiful pause*.. loving you.”

Thriller

Yes, yes. Overplayed. I first heard it in 13 Going on 30. I loved that movie so much, cried to it more than a few times. LOL. Made me have more faith in the everlasting love of childhood sweethearts. Does high school sweetheart count? After watching Jennifer Garner perform the thriller dance with Mark Ruffalo, I was like, “What is this awesome song?” This was before Youtube was famous. The year was 2004 and I only had Ares.

Why I love Thriller? The opening line is good, “It’s close to miiiiiidnight.. *ah*”. But the unique part of this song for me is “No ghoul would ever dare try”. Of all my years of listening to this song, I never bothered to look up the lyrics. I’m always like, “Wha? What does no goo goo wud ever dare whyy means?” Though parents always put emphasis on pronunciations, but artists need to mispronounce to sell a song.

I also loved watching the making of Thriller! The make-up process is awesome… as best as they could possibly do in the early 80s. Michael’s smile was the most beautiful during those years. There’s also the rehearsal scenes where the zombies are in leotards .. as normal people.. and with Michael leading the group they practiced and practiced. I thought that was pretty interesting. And also the purple Mickey Mouse sweater he wore when rehearsing his scenes with Ola, the girl who played his girlfriend. Among the many funny comments for that video there was one that said, “WORK THAT SWEATER!!!” He was very childlike in these videos. Running around like a monkey and all. Oh and I also thought that it was super cute that the director, John Landis, would call out to the zombie, “OKAY KEVIN, COME ON OUT!” and the coffin would slide open and the ghastly dancer would emerge.

We Are The World

I know. Another overplayed song, but gosh. If you listen to him doing the recording in this video, it’s really really really breathtaking. Without the added parts of the other celebs, just Michael on his own. The melody sticks in your head, in Michael Jackson’s voice. Not the poorly harmonized versions my school mates, year after year, have butchered to nothingness but a memory of a bunch of Malaysian school kids performing for charity.

As my classmate Narjit commented on the facebook link, his smile is so beautiful here. Unique point is “We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s start giving”. There’s just a certain bounce to this part of the melody.

Human Nature

I’ve never heard of this song before till after his death. I can’t find the video now, but it was one of the announcements of his death made by a big broadcasting network. The camera was sweeping over Times Square where LED displays were announcing his death and the chorus, “Why, why, tell them that is human nature” was playing in the background. The song itself has always been slightly haunting with the echo-ey effects. Plus the meaning of the lyrics and the way it sounded and the purpose of the video announcing his death, was really very creepy. And I loved it!

Unique point is the chorus, no doubt and also the part before the first chorus: “If this town is just an apple, then let me take a bite.”

-can’t embed video. Click here to go directly to the video-
Black or White

First of all, the intro was unnecessary. Yes, Macaulay Culkin is cute and all that, but I wish it was cut out because it would take me a long time to get to my favourite part which is when he would sing, “I took my baby on a saturday bang.” That would be the unique part of the song. Then he had to spoil it by inviting some rapper on board. The screaming part, is okay… but I wish the softer parts of the song could have gone on longer.

By the way, does anyone know what a Saturday Bang means? Couldn’t find any lyric deciphering websites for answers.

Because of all the obstacles I had to face to get to my fav parts, I just listen to Adam Lambert doing Black or White for my fix.

Ben

I’ve always loved this song. Even before he died. One of the most overplayed songs on my ipod. It’s one of those songs that I can really belt out in the toilet, ahem. Much to my neighbours chagrin. So much soul, so much pain! I had tears in my eyes when I read that he dedicated it to a boy dying of cancer. The tears disappeared when I learned that it was originally for a rat. -_- Beautiful song, none the less.

You Rock MY World

Chris Tucker spoiled the song!! Why was he asked on board to retardadize the intro?! If you watch the video, you’d notice that there’s always a pattern to his music videos. He is particularly taken to gangs and mafias. Like Beat It, Dangerous, this was no different. He could have done better though. Not enough dancing in this one, not enough shamones, not enough howls and hoots. It’s pretty clear that I truly adored the michael of the 90s. But I loved the song! Favourite part would be the beginning: “Oh.. My life..will never be the same….”

Childhood

He mentioned in an interview that it is one of his most autobiographical songs ever. A little too direct for my liking but I lingered on because of my love for disney songs. Yes, it sounds very much like something Aladdin would sing while staring at the moon. But I’m also pretty intrigued by it because in an article (one of the better articles) I read, the journalist was taken on a tour of Neverland ranch by his best friend Elizabeth Taylor. He mentioned that he saw the carousel in the themepark going round and round with nary a soul on board, and the song “Childhood” echoes through the lonely park. A cartoon of two quacking characters were projected onto a screen, no one watching. Freaky shit.

The video is quite haunting too but it really underlines his fondness for Peter Pan. There are even those floating boats that the lost boys sat in in their journey back home.

Other notables are Strangers In Moscow and Dangerous. Dangerous was only interesting because of the super synchronized dance moves and the chorus which was done in the form of choral speaking by grown men.

For those who have not bothered or done enough of MJ-stalking, you might like to see the infamous documentary “Living With Michael Jackson”. It was said that MJ was ruined after the bastard Martin Bashir won his trust and twisted everything he said.

This is only Part 1. The rest will be on Youtube. I don’t need to teach you how to use Youtube right?

Then check out MJ’s retaliation:

I don’t know which part it was but there’s a scene where MJ talks about Bubbles, his pet chimp. I don’t know which was cuter. The seriousness on MJ’s face or the fact that his chimp used his toilet, eats with his fork and spoon coz he’s really polite! He could even do the moonwalk too! Bubbles is so cute, Brenda wants to buy one too when she has money. LOL. Poor Bubbles is now in a sanctuary with other abandoned chimpanzees and orang utans. He has a best friend called Sam and he is really sweet to the infant chimps there. He would stand one side when he hears them coming to the fountain. Apparently he was not told of Michael’s death.

Alright, done watching the two documentaries? Okay, now watch the spoof. Rowan Atkinson looks EXACTLY like Bashir!

Now for the links that I wanted to share. Yeah, those are the preliminary ones. Heh.

There’s this ‘investigative journalist’ who wrote rather interestingly about how he expected Michael Jackson to die.
Read: How Michael Jackson Predicted His Death 6 Months Ago.

Some of Michael’s homevideos. It shows that he is very human, a little peculiar, but still fun to peek into his life. There are many more on youtube. This was particularly interesting as it had Macaulay Culkin in it. At this point, I have not read up on all those child molestation allegations made against him. Plenty around the web if you do a bit of searching. Most recent thing to surface would be a video of him being interrogated by a bunch of lawyers.

As most of you probably saw, a video of him in full dress rehearsal days before he died:

This was particularly sad. The dancers all looked so hopeful.

Another aspect of MJ that everyone can’t seem to get enough of (me, me especially me!) and that is of him as a father:

Watch the video here. Can’t seem to embed this one.

As many conspiracies there are out there, this was particularly interesting. Don’t know how true it is, but it’s definitely worth a read.

This one is an account by the paparazzo who snapped that extremely lucrative photo of MJ’s final moments. Sounds disgusting right? But the paparazzo had a good heart. Read on. You’ll also see how extremely generous and nice MJ was to his fans. It’s almost unbelievable. He was even pals with this paparazzi guy.

If you’re like me, particularly fascinated by the children that he raised, you might like looking at these pics from the memorial. Blanket is sooooo cute! I don’t know why people are making such a big deal if those are kids or not. He was the one who loved them and clothed them. But if anything, Blanket is 100% MJ’s son. The resemblance is very obvious. I want a Blanket too. Where can I get one?

Again, if you’re like me, and can’t get enough of MJ’s humanized side, check this out: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=98326918727 . It’s a facebook group set up by the wife of Al Manik, MJ’s millionaire lawyer friend, with personal photos of Michael, his children and their friends. She did this because she was sick of the tabloids stealing her photos and making money from it.

But of course, this is by far the saddest video clip from the memorial:

It would only be sad if you watch it the first time. Trust the media to thrust it in your face until you get sick of it. Sat in the car this morning and within 10 minutes, they played the clip twice. NEED OR NOT AH FLY FM.

Okay, I’m done. :\

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