Every morning I wake up to shocking (but delightful) news that who and who just got engaged, accompanied by a few hundred likes and an entire page of comments. Months later the pre wedding shoots would follow, resulting in another torrent of likes and comments. Somehow the prewedding photographs make it that little bit more official.

I realized that a lot of those who are getting engaged/married are about around the 1989-1985 age group. Somehow the 1984 are only starting to get married now, them being about 27 seems just about right. A friend echoed my sentiments recently and he, being born in 1984, noticed the trend too.
He also said that those who were born before 1984, seemed to get married at a more conventional age of 27-30.

Only a few years back, when wedding bells were heard, we would nudge each other knowingly, looking forward to a baby to play with soon. And most of the time, we were right.

But now, almost everyone in a relationship for more than two years are tying the knot!

It’s just funny how come those born on or after 1985 are choosing to get married earlier than those who were born before 1985. Another friend mentioned that it could be because those born after 1985 somehow wants to have it all at a young age. Impatient and impulsive. Do you think so?

I know a lot us in this age group need to get married for a variety of reasons. There is the dreaded government posting which a lot of people in the medical and education field have to work around, to secure a preferred state by getting hitched. Sometimes, this method doesn’t even work. Then I hear there are the more religious ones who are getting married because they want to stay together. *shifty eyes*

And then there are those like me, who have been in a really really long relationship. I know of many other couples like that, couples who have grown up with us, as a couple. Also not getting married anytime soon. We have plans, yes. But nothing official. Mainly because we have things to sort out like savings, an idea of where we really really want to be and how are we going to afford a nice wedding. How do people do it? Maybe most of those who are in long term relationships from high school/college are stuck in the mindset that we are still ‘young’. Thus continuously believing that it’s not the right time, we are not done with what what we need as individuals etc etc.

But high school sweethearts aside (most of those that I know who have been together as long as us, are still dating too. Nothing announced.), a lot of the people who are about our age are getting engaged and some have even had their weddings.

I don’t know.. it’s just a little mind boggling for me. Trying quite hard not to be influenced by peer pressure (I can admit it okay! I’m Jolene Lai. Not shy!) and constantly reminding ourselves that when we’re ready, we’re ready because we are. Not because everyone else is. Honestly, every single posting that I go to, the nurses there will ask me when am I getting married (once they found out that I’m living in sin). I openly tell people at work that I’m here in JB with my boyfriend and that we’re living together. For some, it’s a foreign concept, a sacrilege! But like being gay, society has to start accepting somehow that there are people doing things differently from their norm.

I know this way of life is pushing it but there were times when I wondered what if I ever get knocked up before tying the knot. Firstly dad will kill me. LOL. But that aside, we all know the direction we are heading to. We are everything but short of a document to be man and wife. Mum once said that if something like that was to happen, then we should fast fast plan for the wedding. I had the craziest idea though – I thought that it would be a good case study for society to observe how it is perfectly okay for an unmarried woman to go around being pregnant and take her own sweet time to plan the wedding and even fit in a slimming program to be svelte before the big day. It would also be so awesome to have the kid around.

Sure, relatives will probably be shocked and flock around to gossip about me. But if more people can do this, why not? It will slowly become normal. Like how shot gun marriages are so normal now. Nothing shocking about it.

Actually, at our age, shot gun marriage is also sort of a blessing because then you’ll have a date to work around instead of not knowing when you want to get hitched.

I know a lot of parents still shake their heads at the idea of their daughter getting knocked up before marriage.

In my opinion, there are only three bad knocked-up scenarios:

1) The kid is still schooling. High school, college or university. All bad. I think I can give some leeway to final year students at uni. Heh.
2) The husband to be is a wifebeater/womanizer/an unambitious sloth living on his future wife’s money
3) The father of the child is not your boyfriend
4) The father of the child doesn’t want to be your boyfriend anymore lol

So for people who are in long term, stable relationships, it is OKAY. I don’t know. Anybody want to pick a bone with me?

Sigh, think I digressed too far. Well. #justsaying.

Anyway, congratulations to all my friends who are getting married this year and next year!

Blogging is SUCH a chore, you know?!

But it’s good to be back to share sometimes.

So for those who have wondered where I have disappeared off to, I’m currently in my second year of my compulsory service with the government. When my FYDOship ended, I was supposed to report for duty at Batu Pahat!! After many tearful phone calls to the headquarters and a very fortunate switch with a colleague in JB, I’m still in JB, living with Chee Kiang who is still working in Singapore.

We’ve been doing this for over 7 months now and living together has been amazing. We cook almost every week night, sometimes I dump him here and drive home to Subang Shah Alam myself. Yeah, my family has moved away from Subang too. It still hurts when I think about my childhood house in SS18.  Going into Singapore whenever friends want to meet up, exploring JB together, watching downloaded movies together on our landlord’s flatscreen and sleeping in the living room every single night because the entire apartment is literally our bedroom.

Oh! I’ve started baking and cooking more too!

Butter cookies fresh from the oven! I wanted to decorate it with royal icing but the icing i made was way too sweet and runny, so I gave up. I’ll need to head out to buy lemons and meringue powder to try again. Don’t think I’ll use raw egg whites again as it is not hygienic. And I have no idea where I can get pasteurized egg whites.

Spinach pan mee with the necessary yums

Tried roasting a chicken. Tasted okay, couldn’t get it to be a dark crispy brown.

Herbal chicken, not too bad!

And my favourite and my best dish (ahem), chicken+broccoli+carrots+french beans dimsum style. <3

I think I drifted off again.

Yes, so throughout university I knew that I had to, needed to, MUST end up in Johor in order to put an end to the nonsense that was a long distance relationship. I was sent to Kluang first when I first entered the workforce and after making it through 6 months, I am finally in JB. When my first year training ended, I managed to secure myself to be permanently based in JB.

It’s all going to plan, isn’t it?

But deep down in my heart, I wanted.. or thought that it was to be this way: That the both of us complete our respective three years with the government and move back home to finally start our lives somewhere permanent.

But it’s not fair to uproot him from Singapore when he has put in so much effort building up his career here. Not only that, if I go back, I will have to start networking all over again. It’s okay if we start off immediately after the end of our compulsory service because we are still relatively young then and can slug it out. But I’m afraid that won’t be the case and we’ll probably have more…well, changes in our lives if we wait it out a few years and head back in our very late 20s or early 30s.

I do want to open my clinic one day and I want to open it somewhere where I will grow old.

I am confused about plans to work in Johor, KL or Singapore.

The reason why I want to go home is so that my children can grow up around their grandparents and I can be there for my family. It’s just horrible to have to grow up and old without your parents around. But most people don’t have a choice because of their careers and I am afraid that we might just be one of those people.

For an AIMST graduate, it might be a little tricky because the degree is not listed in the list that the Singapore Dental Council has come up with. Most of the Malaysian public dental schools aren’t even on the list too. We have to sit for an exam which, IF you can qualify for it with the suitable requirements, has a waiting list of 2 years. I hear that it’s the final paper for the Year 5 NUS students. I will of course try for it if I have the chance to. I would need to study really really really hard for it and cross all possible fingers and toes.

Singapore would be nice. But I really need some guidance if Johor is just as good, if not better. Or even better than KL for that matter, which I hear is pretty saturated now.

It gives me hope that there is so much development going on in the city and there is a buzz of excitement about the endless possibilities. Healthcare facilities, residential areas, educational institutions (though I’ll probably still send my kids to a government school to let them see the real Malaysia and save the money for their overseas education) etc.

The whole Johor-Singapore thing works very well for us now. I know a big chunk of Johor roads now, made a horde of new friends from work and more contacts from helping out with the southern zone’s dental association….

I just hope that it is the right choice to be based here.

I cried when I had to let go of an interview in The Star back in 2005, like it was the most important thing to do in my blogging career. ( that article did propel four bloggers who went on to enjoy phenomenal success with their blogs) but I really don’t feel anything about it now.

I was envious of peers who had higher readership and tried hard to get there but would fail and feel hurt when opportunities would come for them and not for me.

I was a lot of stupid things.

I really don’t care about all that now. I don’t even get advertorials anymore and continue to turn down the odd clueless company pr people who just don’t do their research on obviously retired bloggers. How can a blogger give you any publicity if she only posts once or twice a month?

Now all I think about is if I should further my studies, charting my career path, if I should open my own clinic, if so, how many can I have, where will the money come from, how do I manage my finance, what establishments can I join in the future, expanding the sticker monster, if I should buy an oven so I can finally cook in all possible ways and maybe pick up baking…so many things!

All I am saying is that there was a period of time where I let it all out because i thought that’s who i am and i enjoyed doing it and now I’m over it. In a way I have become less in tune with my blogger self so when shit happens I get more upset easily than I used to be.

While my father’s worries for me were of people trying to defame me by digging up dirt from my blog when I run for prime minister or something, my concerns are for the asshole public’s lack of tack and humanity to take things from my blog and dissect it in forums where anonymous bastards only has physical opinions to give about anything female being posted there.

My friend and junior from uni, Tee Luun, alerted me on facebook about a post in lowyat. While slightly hurtful, it was just a replica of what happened in the past.

Last time, there was a post on lowyat about the blogger girls used in an advertorial for maxis broadband. A few of us were invited on a girls’ day out and were loan a netbook each. So naturally we had to blog about it and there were photographs of us on our respective blogs, newspapers and magazines. No prizes for guessing who stuck out like a sore thumb among our crop of petite and slender popular girl bloggers. So yeah, flamed on the forums for being big sized and ugly, I was hurt. Before I opened the link to that forum, I was already expecting that i would get such treatment.

Then it became the past.

Sometime before I graduated, my post on creating double eyelids (which I have privatized ever since) was taken and the people on that forum were horrified by the ugliness of it all, cursing while they were at it. That post has been freaked-out-about on some foreign blogs and forums, usually about how Asian girls can’t deal with the fact that they have slitty eyes..but the treatment it received from that particular local forum (can’t remember the address..kopitiam something) pretty much took the cake. The comments were so mean and humiliating. I felt embarrassed because I was about to come out into the working world and I felt like I had no dignity when put in that kind of light so I asked the moderator to remove the post, explaining my situation and he was kind enough to do it. I privatized that particular post because I didn’t like the attention it received.

That too became the past.

It’s not easy to continue feeling neutral about myself when time and time again random douchebags keep reminding me about it. I know I am not ugly to the point where people recoil in horror when they see me out in the streets but perhaps compared to the usual hot chics they prefer to see fleeting across their computer screens, they are left with a bad taste in their mouth when someone like me, not a porn star, nor a typical doe eyed sexy beauty, suddenly appearing on their LCD screens, surely it’s a stark contrast! So…this always always happens. So sien.

What happened today was mild, just a post referring to my height and if I am tall (because I claim to be, standing at 169cm) but of course you got the trolls who will always always always always relate everything to my face. The photos they used were recent too, photos from Kluang and I’m not going to be one of those who privatize my whole blog.

Link: http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/1935892

It’s either I keep going or I just delete it.

If I keep going, who knows what else will be misconstrued, twisted into something unflattering on the forums?

If I delete it, I lose years of memories, years of interactions and a record of every single bit of emotion I have felt in my late teens to early adulthood.

But sometimes it is easier to just press delete and not have to worry about trolls anymore. Is it worth it to be brave about it?

Can anybody explain to me why trolls do what they do?

What do they derive from it?

Is there some satisfaction from humiliating people and all? I mean yea you might cringe when you see someone making a fool of themselves on YouTube, but why comment at all with hurtful words? (no I don’t have embarrassing YouTube videos, I’m just saying.)

Can my future employers understand that I’m just someone normal who enjoys a good laugh without showing her panties to the world or popping out a boob or doing drugs (complete with photos) or even murdering animals or defaming the name of my current workplace(with photos too!) who just so happen to be unfortunate enough to be the subject of a few trolls along the way who have no qualms about making a fool of me with what I was born with (or what I ate over the years)?

I just want to keep this space on the net without worrying too much and feeling so much, please?

He was about to get married soon and he was beating himself up about not being enough of a casanova for his future wife. We were reflecting on the crazy romantic things that he used to do when he was a teenager. He would write songs for all his love interests and it never worked out, but one or two of the girls would keep his songs close to heart, because they were so beautiful! But still he picked himself up, wrote another song for another beautiful girl with all his heart. He loved genuinely and he was always faithfully in love. My friend, he was a very passionate little boy.

In our teens our idea of a relationship was just to be caught in a whirlwind of romance, with an admirer dancing on the roof of a school block while belting out “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”…nevermind the possibility that he would fall three floors down to the cement. Seriously, that was the kind of  fantasies I had in form3 as I looked out my class window during a boring BM class.

If I had a crush, the furthest I thought about would be what it would be like to hold his hand. And a kiss? Oh my! Well, I never. That would be… wow. Too much. My breath would then come in short gasps and my heart would palpitate at the most intense imagination of what a kiss would feel like. I would squeal into my pillow and tell myself to go to sleep. Maybe it’ll happen one day. Maybe.

I was a very forward little girl, as most of you probably already know with all my revelations of past love interests over the years on this blog. The kind of things I did would be to write poems. I had books filled with poems of  heartbreak, pining and confusion. All little girls love drama in their lives. It was the kind of bittersweet sugar rush rose tinted kind of perception about what love is.

I kind of enjoyed the feeling of pining then and I would draw inspiration from it to churn out puppy love poems. The more I pined, the better the poem. When I got heartbroken, the poem became mindblowing. (ahem) I’ll probably get it out one day and put it here. Hehe.

My books were filling with such melancholic words like these:

I saw you walk on by under the afternoon sky,
I was waiting for you to catch my eye,
You pretended not to see, not to hear,
The deafening sound of my heart breaking here.

Hehehe. So drama and silly. Whoever the poor boy was was probably all caught up in conversation with some friend about some Starcraft game or some football game later in the afternoon.

If I had a go at writing poems now, it’ll probably be something like:

The floor I swept and then I mopped,
But I didn’t do the table top,
The bathroom you promised to clean,
And later please put a plastic bag in the bin.
I love you.

LOL. I can’t imagine myself writing my love sick nonsense to Chee Kiang. It would seem so silly. In a relationship so drama free, without heartbreaks, without anger, without pining, so much normalcy…there’s really no space for any poem writing. Granted he came into my life when I was still a kid but we didn’t happen till much later. We always have this running joke about how our courtship happened when we were about 15-16.. so our idea of dating is like stuck in time. It never grew into an adult form, so if touch wood, we are thrown back into the sea at this age now, we’ll be going around asking people “I like you, you like me? Can we couple plz? Oh and do you have ICQ?”

I am very happy with our stability, when so many people are finding it hard to trudge on with their own long term relationships. It breaks my heart every time I hear a fellow comrade fall out of love. Over the years, we would have couple friends whom we thought we could always double date with and then along the way they would stop loving each other and we would feel a sense of loss. Some people get together for a few months and then go their own ways, and we even have trips planned ahead longer than their relationship. It’s strange. A few months is a lifetime of a relationship for some, but to me it’s just a few moments in mine filled with things we want to do and need to do.

I’m sure all of us have grown up in some way to learn to adapt to our concept of love. For me, comfort, security, understanding, inside jokes are so important. But if you ask the 12 year old me, she would tell you that love would be when he tells you he loves you back after all that you have said and done.

And then what? Well, she won’t have a clue.

Aren’t you glad we do now?

just thought you might like to know what has happened for you for the next eight years of your life.

You don’t have to cry after the modern maths trial paper thinking that if modern maths was shit, add maths would just  bury you alive. You don’t have to walk around school a week or two before SPM saying in a soft voice to friends that you probably won’t make it to college with your shit trial results. College did seem like an impossible goal then, clouded by the piles of books you had to devour for SPM. Thankfully the greater portion of Malaysian SPM candidates are not super smart like the kids from 5 Gamma or have the means to go for tuition to be spoonfed – hence the 8A’s you managed to get for SPM.

Bubbles and Shih Ling would finally consummate their relationship on the morning of your Biology paper (the irony!) and would pop out five puppies, 2 of which would be stillborn and the remaining puppies are named Oreo, Chazzy and Angel. Angel would grow up to be a half dog half human kind of family mutant. The entire family would love her so much and she remains as the longest surviving dog in the Lai household. Still very much loved because of her evergreen puppy like features despite being at the grand old age of 7 years old!

Don’t you worry about Mervyn, who shook his head at your super thick biology textbook. For his own biology paper three years later, he would only start studying 2 hours before his SPM paper, going on to score a miraculous D. He would find his true calling in law and would excel so much in it that everyone in the family are so thankful that maturity has caught up with him and that he is, in fact, a brilliant student. He just didn’t like science.

I don’t have to ask you to spend more time with Mama, Yeah yeah and Yee Ma because you already do as it is. Mama and Yeah Yeah would die within a week of each other in 2005, Yeah yeah finally succumbing to his COPD and Mama would suffer a stroke two days after Yeah Yeah’s death because she went without her diabetic medication for a couple of days. Yee Ma’s death would come as the most shocking of all. She would fall from a ladder while attempting to clean out some bird nests from her window. It’s been three years now and the pain is less now but you would still remember her and pine for those Malacca visits. Popo would come to live with you, mum, dad and mervyn..and it is a blessing in disguise because you thought you would never be able to feel super close to Popo, the grandma you only visit a few times a year. But for the three years that Popo has been living with you, you’d be able to ask her so much questions about her past and learn so much about her and feel a stronger and better bond with her.

You wondered if you would be able to finally go through with just that ONE ambition. Enough of wanting to be an astronaut, an entertainment lawyer, a veterinarian…you thought about becoming an orthodontist. You didn’t know the road to becoming an orthodontist would be filled with so many obstacles. Time, finance, opportunities. You didn’t realize that you would first need to be a dentist (which is a super long journey as well) and work for a few years before finally having the time, money and opportunity to be able to further your studies. But you would learn to feel tired at the thought of orthodontics in university. You would start work in a daze not knowing whether to remain as a general dentist or to further your studies. But after six months of working, I can tell you that your strength is in dealing with children. You love children and you have a way in persuading them to do things they really don’t want to do. Maybe you can consider becoming a pediatric dentist. Yes, there is such a profession, you just didn’t know at that time.

You know Chee Kiang? Yeah, I know, he is always topping you in class but don’t be bitchy to him because he is just so much smarter and you can’t change that! Stop being bitter! He would later on tell you that he felt very upset at the way you treated him during the whole of Form 5 and wish that you guys were the way you were back in form 4 when you were almost together but not quite. You would stop dangling the proverbial carrot sometime during your A-levels and his A-levels (though he would do his in Singapore, and you in your backyard, Taylor’s College) and finally get together at the end of 2004. Don’t freak out…. but things get very serious.

This is how serious it would become. You would share an apartment together. So stop being mean to him okay? He might have enough ammo against you and refuse to wash the dishes after dinner.

There would come a time in your life when you would start penning your thoughts in an online journal that the world wide web would refer to as a blog. But your thoughts would not be mere thoughts of how your day went but it would be filled with photos of things you have done and things you want to show the world! Blogging would play a big big part of your life from college right up to the first few years of university. You would even say things like, “But blogging is my life!!” when daddy would call you up to tell you off for revealing too much of yourself online. You would feel so upset and feel uneasy if you don’t share every single thing that has happened to you.

You would get involved with a community of like minded people who penned their thoughts online and be so caught up in it. Fortunately, your effort would pay off and there are people who would love to read your blog because you would be shameless and be extremely generous with self depreciating humour. Almost all your friends would read your blog and everyone would remember you as a blogger. Sometimes, people in your past who never quite cared to be your friend, would become chummy just because you had a blog that was read by quite a large number of people. I know it sounds conceited, but it’s true. In a way you don’t have to try so hard to make friends because during this period of time, most of your friends’ friends would have read your blog at least once and know know you ‘quite well’ already, even though you have never met that person before. Aside from superficial friendships made and rekindled, it also opened the doors to many opportunities for you. You would be acquainted with people you probably wouldn’t have had the chance to meet and later on, blogging would mean the opportunity to endorse a few products and you get to keep them for free!

You would go on to be grateful for having had this opportunity, this experience, but blogging would become an activity that is few and far in between towards tbe end of your uni life. It wouldn’t matter as much anymore. The phase would pass just as quickly as it came. You would only write when you want to…or worse, remember to.

Sometime in the middle of university, you would find a hobby that would eventually take over blogging. You know how much you love stickers right? Right, you would actually turn it into a business. While it is not going to get listed anytime soon, it has grown in the past three years and some months, the profits are even enough to pay all your bills for you!

Back then, you would be so crazy about the latest Acer laptops that was promoted in the brochures that came with the newspaper. What was most important to you back then was to have a laptop that had wifi and a cd burner. Daddy bought you an Acer laptop just a couple of days before your Chemistry SPM paper and you would be so amazed at the ability to go online anywhere in your house. But what if I told you that you would have the internet in your hands ANYWHERE in Malaysia? A PDA like phone called smartphones would emerge and it would change how Malaysians go online. You’ve probably already started playing Friendster but now, 8 years later, social network has taken the world by storm and changed the way we communicate. Everyone, including Angel, would be on Facebook. Imagine that! I know you just got streamyx installed, but would you believe it if I told you that there is wireless internet provided by telco companies, providing you with an internet connection anytime, anywhere? There would also be a piece of technology called the iPad. It’s just a flat screen, a really really flat screen, even thinner than mummy’s chopping board and you can go online with it? Just by tapping on the screen! Can you believe it??

You would get your driving license next year but you’d  always get lost when venturing to a new territory. A technology called GPS would be able to bring you to your destination with precise directions and instructions. You thought your Nokia 3310 was awesome, the best thing ever. But wait till you get your hands on a GPS.

I know you think you’re going to miss all your friends and you’re clamoring to take as many photos as you can with all of them. But those that you want to see again, you will always see them. Probably the only friends you see in Subang for all the years after high school. The girls are now scattered all over the place, most of them would go on to work in the finance sector. In fact, Mel would be the first to get married and as I type this, she is on a flight to Melbourne to get married to an awesome guy named Tim. You and a few of the girls would go down for their wedding later in the year! As for the guys in your year, you would still see them a lot too. If they are not in finance, they are in engineering. It’s awesome that you will still get to see them and to be able to share so many years of friendship with this big bunch of people that you know so well.

You would meet a girl called Lie Yuen in college next year. She might seem quiet… but do take notice of her because she would go on to become your closest friend for the next five years of your life in university. You would share a house with her and she would be the one who knows you so well, even things mum and dad don’t know about you. It’s not easy to meet such a friend who would listen to all your life stories, tell you all her life stories, predict you so well, share so many inside jokes with…basically she would be your rock in your time of need at uni. We would become the extra daughter to each of our families. Popo even gave her japanese roses to plant in our pathetic garden.

You know the whole thing that you do with guys bums, slapping them and grabbing them whenever and wherever to the cheers and shrieks of laughter from your friends? You would actually grimace at it later on in life. What were you trying to prove? You thought it was a way to show these boys (and some girls) that you’re a cheeky girl who have no qualms about being appropriate. You thought it would make people warm up to you because you’re not one of those ‘quiet types’. Well, glad you’ve had your fun. But thank god you would stop doing that in college. You would still give the occasional butt whack to some familiar faces around college but other than that, it has stopped. Fortunately. A lot of people, including Chee Kiang, would tell you that you have become more serious over the years. You would not be quite sure what to make of that. But then again, almost everyone has changed since they started work. It’s true. Just you wait and see.

I hope you like hearing about how your late teens and early twenties have come and gone. Will tell you more when I hit 35.

We are moving the first of our things into our very first rented apartment together. My pots and pans and textbooks will go first. Only that alone has taken up the whole car!! @.@ Might have to use the textbooks as decor on the ceiling or the walls in our tiny apartment.

I would say this is a pretty huge milestone for us as we have been playing the long distance game for.. well, forever! We have never been the couple who saw each other day which I believe allowed us our own space to grow during the past six years in our own ways and yet whenever we get to meet during our semester holidays, we make the most of it and then go back to living our own lives. It was difficult at times but you get used to it.

Being in Kluang for the past six months was great because I could go home anytime I wanted (space) or choosing to go down to him (spending time together). It was a perfect balance, a gradual step to living together.

I have been praying and bugging and praying and bugging and begging for the second leg of my first year dental officer posting to be done in JB and thankfully, I GOT IT!!! We went apartment hunting the very next day.

It still hasn’t quite sunk in… this whole living together thing. It’s exciting and strange at the same time because living on my own usually means that I have housemates. Is he my housemate? My family? What is he? What is this?? It’s a strange limbo between boyfriend and husband. It’s a whole new level of closeness. I think this is what people mean when they say taking the next step.

The both of us did feel awkward as we surveyed the apartments, quite shy to introduce ourselves as a couple, almost like as if we’re too young to be a ‘couple’. We really need to get this whole We-Are-Still-Kids mentality out of our heads because god knows how long ago that was. This is what being in university for far too long does to you. You grow up a little later than your peers.

I have friends my age already buying houses, some even buying houses on their own without a partner involved. It’s all very adultish!

The idea was to get an apartment that was not too far from the causeway, super safe and near enough to my workplace. But because of the rotations a FYDO would have to do, I’ll have to drive around Johor Bahru for quite a bit and best of all, against the crazy morning traffic!

We were very fortunate, albeit very much poorer now too after paying 3 months rental plus utilities deposit for a 700 sq ft place within spitting distance from Hospital Sultanah Aminah, one of the places I’ll be attached to! I keep telling everyone that it’s really within spitting distance! Like, I can literally throw paper planes from my balcony and it would land in the hospital grounds! It’s also a stone’s throw from the seaside..which is basically just rocks because you ain’t got no beach front along the causeway area. No worries! I still have a seaside residence! The sea breeze blows in pretty strongly so I think we can save on aircon usage!

A lovely plus is the fact that Hospital Sultanah Aminah is THE place for all emergency cases so that means when I am on-call, I can just walk over when my phone goes off!

I’m so glad we’re here, the end of our long distance relationship journey. This moment was a hope we held on to dearly for the 5-6 years. We were even surveying Johor Bahru two years before graduation…that’s how excited we were! And to finally be here, we really don’t quite know what to make of it.

and yes, we have both our parents’ blessings to be doing this together. More like no eye see.. hahahaha. <3

Maybe because we both had particular long days which is why we are feeling this way but there’s like a stretch of 40 years of work before retirement. Is there such a thing as fresh grad syndrome? Where you feel jaded at times? I tell him that having goals in place will make our work more rewarding. A belief that I hope to hold on to as well.

While I feel my work is repetitive, at the same time I am plagued by the perpetual fear of not knowing if I know enough. It does eat at me. I know what I have to do, but there’s no exam to look forward to.. I need to be pressured into doing it.

I have roughly been through my career options in my mind a few times but all that would need money (furthering my studies, setting up a clinic…), I need to know what is best for me in the long run. What my priorities are. I can’t possibly be setting up a general clinic then running off to specialize after a couple of years, can I? But with only a few months under my belt, I really don’t know everything there is to know about this field.. I don’t really know what I want to do. I don’t really know if I should limit myself to a specialized field. I don’t know!

I believe it’s okay to have dreams in many places. You don’t have to have only one dream, one way of enjoying yourself. While it is important to have goals in your career, it doesn’t necessarily have to be the only thing you prioritize in life. As most of you would know, I really really enjoy my little sticker hobby-business. That’s a dream in its own.

I chose dentistry because I narrowed it down from the things I’d rather do. This was when I was 16 years old, burdened by the huge duty of having to make life changing choices. SPM and college times were so hard and confusing. I knew very well that I hated physics to my very core, chemistry was nice, ahem, used to get the highest in class but was bombing chemistry in college, sometimes failing it too.. but I knew I had to do something science related.

I needed something that had no maths…no physics…no chemistry…..no sitting in a lab looking into microscopes… I’ve always liked biology in school. I liked how the human body worked. I actually wouldn’t have minded medicine but the long hours were the number 1 reason why I didn’t choose the field. Not like I confirm can get into med school also..ceh:P But dentistry provided me with all that. A chance to be in science, a chance to meet people day in day out and a chance to go home to make dinner for my family! I can be a professional AND a mother AND a wife! Yeah, so traditional at 16.

I really do..I really do like meeting people.

But sometimes, I sort of see why customer service people can’t provide customers with the most optimum level of services equipped with a smile. It has to be done. Especially now that the clinic has implemented a system for the patients to drop a yellow laminated smile in a box at the counter to rate our services. Sometimes there are very very difficult people to be dealt with. No matter how you reason, they don’t see the point in what you are trying to say.

Sometimes I wonder exactly how is my work rewarding? One patient might feel happy that he can now chew his chicken without any getting stuck in the cavity, another patient might feel grateful that her front tooth is replaced, another might finally get a good night’s sleep after the abscess has been removed. It does sound rewarding but it’s not epic. Unless the lama-lama jadi bukit thing holds true, then well, yeah.

An incident today did make me feel like I had a real purpose aside from fixing their teeth. A patient was so so so so so so so x1000000 of coming into the surgery. I invited her to sit down but she just stood there rooted to the spot, not saying a word. I thought “Great, another patient with mental disabilities…….how should I approach her?” Then I saw tears forming in her eyes. And then I realized that it was a really great fear of going to the dentist. She said that everything dental related scared her. The chair, the tray, the door, the light….. the patient and I had a good laugh after I explained everything to her, trying to alleviate her fears. I made jokes, she joked back, we had a good rapport going on. THAT was rewarding. To be able to change a person’s mind set, I think that is what matters most to me.

I guess at the end of the day it all boils down to appreciation. I want to tell that someone that it applies to him too. Appreciation for the things we do can go a long way.

I do wonder if all mid 20s go through such a period where they question where do they go from here.

But you know, I’ve a feeling that a couple of decades from now, we’ll all be well respected figures, solid and grounded with the odd cynicism here and there. We’ll be all right.

The reason is very obvious. Chee Kiang has three years with the Singaporean government as well.

With fingers and toes crossed on a couple of Fridays ago, it was written in the letter from the healthy ministry that I was indeed due to report at Jabatan Kesihatan Negeri Johor! I was ecstatic!!

Long story short, I thought I could get my way again the second time around but as expected, Johor Bahru was just wishful thinking for now and here I am in Kluang, feeling nervous about my first day of work tomorrow.

The stuff going through my head seems to be even more than the feelings I had about finishing dental school and graduating. It just seems like a different ball game, this working thing.

Prior to driving to Kluang, I had a very difficult time finding a place to stay. Kluang is not quite real estate heaven, no one bothers to list any properties for rent on any of the property websites. But fortunately I had a junior from school, Vivian, and a new friend I met on twitter, Jonathan, (thanks Jason for introducing us!) who each gave some suggestions as to where I should stay.

Google maps became my best friend and I think the GPS is probably the best thing since the mobile phone. Seriously. Papago is actually better than Garmin in terms of refreshing rate.

The point is….I have to try to do this on my own. I’m scared but at the same time I am excited. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not here to be a student, I am here to work and earn money. Like ACTUAL money that gets deducted for EPX, income-tax. I’m still trying to take it all in. Walking into the KWSP office in Shah Alam was still rather surreal for me.

I still feel like a freaking student!

I was of course a little disappointed that I got Kluang (the other choice was Kota Tinggi). But at least I am in Johor. All this while I was just blinded by the fact that Chee Kiang and I can shorten our distance for the first time in almost six years but when I reported for work at the hospital, the seriousness of the job settled in and I think the motivation is sinking in as well. I’m not just here because I love someone, I’m also here because I have a purpose to serve. I’m pretty gung-ho about this new job, if you can’t tell. I heard that my clinic will have 100 patients a day. That sounds pretty awesome either way.

Kluang is only three hours from home and about 1.5-2 hours to Singapore..see lah if I want to drive or something. I can even take the KTM from here!

Being working adults (wahhhh), Chee Kiang and I will probably have less time to see each other if I was posted back home. But with me being in Kluang, seeing each other would be easier and by seeing each other more, we get to be in the same line of thoughts as we grow through this phase of our lives. We have so much to think about for the future – not just marriage lah u kepo aunty – but like where we actually want to live, what we actually want to do with our professions ..we need to settle down somewhere. And without constantly talking about it, we can never reach an agreement.

With discussions of big issues, come disagreement I’m sure. So if we maintained our distance of over 800km and seeing each other only every 1-2 months, once, (sometimes we are lucky enough to have reasons to see each other for three weekends at a go, or a few days of holidays together when we were still in uni) we won’t be able to talk about the big stuff and ideas would individually form in our heads as we grow up. We make up our own minds about what we want in life and automatically assume that’s what the other one wants as well.

But being here, nearer, we won’t have to spoil any rare weekend by disagreeing about something that we want together in the future. That’s the idea of why I chose Johor.

My stomach keeps clenching whenever I think about my first day at work. I worry about arriving late, I worry about making first impressions, I worry about parking spaces at the clinic, I worry about my lunch! And please don’t get me started about worrying if any of my clinical knowledge has escaped my brain. SO DAMN SCARED! AHHHH!!!

This will be my first real job. It’s a definite jump from the days where I worked part time at a nail art salon in Sunway Pyramid when I was 15. From scrubbing callus from the feet of rich tai tais, pushing back their cuticles, changing the dirty water (had to row 20 litres of dirty water to the nearest toilet) every morning and sweeping the floor…..to well, being a dentist!

Wish me luck…I’ll be needing it.

She asks if we calculate our costs per wear while shopping. An interesting thought that has never ever gone through my mind! We all have some variation of judgement as to whether our purchase is going to stick around or be forgotten at the back of our wardrobes. Sometimes we regret our purchases and sometimes love it that we wear it so much to the point of embarrassment. *stares down at almost 4 years old Teva flip flops. To all my family and buddies, it is the green flip flops with the twisted strap that I wear all the time!*

I do feel that my attitude towards the things I buy maturing a little bit. I have made many foolish buys in the past. There was a time.. *deep breath*.. where I would be so happy to buy some random top just because it was like RM8. Yeah, RM8. This was in high school, don’t judge! As a result of this blind passion for bargains, I ended up with a wardrobe full of crap!

I could spend RM200 (this was a lot of money back in my college days) on a whole bunch of crappy tops and dresses just because it was cheap! I use to snub my nose at what I thought were branded stuff just because it was well, branded. And to me, back then, brands mean MNG, Zara, Topshop and Miss Selfridge. The only thing I ever bought from Miss Selfridge were some undies. To be honest, I still can’t afford it but I hope that one day, I will buy these things without thinking twice. And perhaps when that one day comes, I might not even want these brands anymore. But the point of my post is not about brands, it is about using a handsome sum of money to buy something that doesn’t look like crap!

Even if the skirt/dress is nice, it has to fit perfectly. I know this is a little bit of a no brainer, but when you are…between size 12-14 (I’m not sure)..you just don’t want to pass on the gorgeous top with buttons and ruffles in the front. The side zipper doesn’t go all the way up with one attempt, but it’s okay, you pull it to the front, suck in as hard as you can, huff and puff, pull and voila! The zipper is up! So your boobs are squashed to your chest.. but it’s a gorgeous top. Maybe just suck in your tummy when you sit down! Only RM40 for something so ..unique. Not quite awesome, because it doesn’t fit that well, but it is unique. And you buy it.

The one size too small top then sits in your cupboard and months later you wonder what were you thinking?? Multiply this scenario by another twenty or so times, I’m stuck with a cupboard full of shit that I can’t be bothered to wear. Losing weight is of course an option that I know of/have considered/on my New Year resolution list, so don’t lecture me about that. Shhh.

When I was in school, I remember thinking that a piece of clothing that was about RM30 was pricy! I’d trawl through the RM15-20 clothes rack and be so happy, picking out things that I think will suit me. Think tank tops that ends at my midriff with cartoon flowers printed on it, tops that are made from lycra, spaghetti tops that also barely cover my tummy, miniskirts with no cutting at all…. ughhh…what was I thinking?! I once bought knee length boots that I only wear in my room. I would have to sit down after 10 minutes because the heels were not made for walking. RM50 for a pair of Vincci boots! At 80% off!! I had to have it because it was CHEAP! Who cares if it was not practical?!

Great things don’t come cheap. Great pieces that actually look good are hardly found in the bargain racks of a random shop. Great bargains only come by once in a while and not everybody is blessed with that skill to hunt.

I have become so particular about material. Cotton shouldn’t feel like the texture of a hotel’s laundry bag. Satin should not crease. Chiffon should not be super scratchy. Stretchy material should NEVER feel like Lycra!

Oh and BAGS. I am so particular about them too! My criteria for a bag is usually 1) it has to be a big bag 2) the material should be suede. Most bags with no brands (my bags don’t come with brands… why must I pay a few thousand bucks for a bag?! I still don’t understand that universe!) that cost about RM20… I will stay clear of it. Unless I’m in Bangkok, it’s a whole different story. But bags that cost below RM30 will fall apart within a week. True story. Not only that, the material is so disgusting. The thinness of the ‘suede’ material is so disappointingly pathetic that I don’t even want to step into that shop. I would pay about RM50 to RM80 for a nicely built bag with a good thick suede material. I can’t waste anymore money on bags that are so cheap in texture to the point that it is disgusting! Sometimes you get those bags with super thin PVC that you can actually see your reflection in it! THOSE ARE THE GROSSEST BAGS OF THEM ALL! Only one rule: A bag must be made of a thick material, whatever material it is.

But speaking of bag, I seem to have the lousiest of luck with them! How do you stop a bag from tearing? My bags have a life span of about 3 months tops. My heart always breaks when a great bag starts tearing.

While we’re on bags, I need to slot in a little commentary about designer bags. I respect girls who buy it with their own money though I can never understand why the love for a brown bag with a bunch of checkers on it or some hooked half rings printed all over it. I feel the love for Chanel though, but not enough to spend an entire month or two’s salary on a bag! But tell me, do designer bags break? If they really don’t, I might have to rethink my bag buying habits.

As for shoes, I don’t have to be particular picky about this one. A good pair of shoes has a certain weight to it. It cannot feel light as air. The heel or the wedge has to be made of something heavy, it shouldn’t feel like cardboard. Some shoes do feel like cardboard wrapped with fabric. I hate those.

I find myself touching the things at Diva longingly but I cannot justify spending RM30 on a pair of earrings! Or RM60 on a necklace that I know will be left to rust after wearing it once or never. It’s not about loving ‘branded stuff’ when you’re talking about Diva. They are a whole different ball game. You can, but it is hard to find such quirky/quaint jewelry. I know some blog shops sell such sweet pieces but the price is usually crazy. Like..RM80 for a necklace that will only tarnish in a couple of months kind of crazy. SIGH AM I TOO KIAM?

As I said, now that I am older, I seem to demand more of the things I want to buy. I’m choosing quality over quantity..though I need to curb my hairband addiction..but the thing is, I can’t settle for the below RM20 stuff anymore. Good quality things don’t come in that price range. I want to pool what money I have and get the nicer stuff! But until I have secured a job, I can’t even afford RM80-RM100 stuff on a regular basis. As a result, I don’t end up with anything. T_T

The few sites that we have, namely lowyat and malaysianbabes are quite inadequate.

There are so many questions that I want to ask about having a blog shop and my best bets are to consult top blog shop owners and popular blog shop reviewers. I assume these people are the blog shop connoisseurs.

With The Sticker Monster, I am not sure if a shopping cart will ever work out. I do offline sales too when I have the time, go to bazaars or even meet up with customers one-on-one. So say if an online customer has checked-out her orders and paid via paypal or maybank2u, but at the same time I have sold that exact same piece, the one and only piece, how do I go about it then?! That is why I have not gotten a shopping cart yet as I can foresee all these issues. ;|

I do wonder what people prefer to see when they wanna browse. Do you like it all in one page like how blog shops are? I have seen online stores that have a huge following, registered their business, have a dot com etc all pointing to the fact that they are a real and proper business, yet maintaining the blog shop layout. But doesn’t it give a more professional feel when everything is in a store layout?

I am so confused.

I have plans to register The Sticker Monster..not that I can live on stickers..but better to do so before any authorities come after my ass for the few cents in my pocket. I’ve already got a dot com for it though I wanted it to be thestickermonster.com but it is already taken. SO SAD RIGHT!! T_T It apparently belongs to some dude who sells stickers for bad ass bikers to decorate their bad ass bikes with flaming skulls and the likes. So totally different from cute, pink, glittery, pop-up and puffy stickers.

I feel it is easier for me when the codes come in and I can pack accordingly, I just don’t know which way is most convenient for the shoppers. Would they be missing out on more things if it was in a store layout? Like if it remains in a blog layout, the customers have no choice but to look at everything before they can find what they want. (to a certain extent)

If only I knew a thing or two about programming. Can write my own inventory program..might speed things up as compared to my slow but stable system of excel sheets.

Paypal and maybank2u is like the best thing ever.. actually online banking is like one of the best inventions ever. I don’t know how I can ever live without it! At the end of the day I would prefer to manually give them the payment option details so that I get to interact with the customers and also, I might have to return payments for one or two items out of a long list of say…20 items, if those particular items have sold out and I have yet to update the inventory. Too much to think about!! @.@

Penny for your thoughts, anyone? Any ideas if a store layout is better or a blog shop? If I make it a store layout, is there anyway that I get them to autofill a check-out form instead of a check-out and pay kind of form?

We need a forum for the online shopping scene in malaysia!!

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