Like what my MSN nickname says, “Miss Lai, you now know the meaning of infinity. Please pray even though you realize that it’s something you seldom do…”. The desperation is so great. You can see it in my pimples, you can hear it in my voice, you can see it in the way my back tenses up if I’m not studying.(that’s why I’m getting a backache now from this guilt induced muscle tensing)
Here’s what I mean by infinity:
The numbers at the bottom are for calculating how many topics that I would have to cover a day to be done studying before the exams start.
Lazy to explain, but I have my own system. Like symbols for what I should cover in how many days, what to cover by tonight etc.
The book symbols mean read from textbook. T_T
When I do a blue wave over it means can kau tim a day before the exam.
Haih module 4, module 4. T__T. Normally we take about one month to study for one module right…I only have..few days left. Nevermind, the train is chugging along.
Another blue wave at the bottom. Short short notes, them.
I can hardly concentrate when the sun is still up and there are boys playing basketball just metres away from my house. No, not that I’m oggling them. Pfft. Small kids only, what to see. Just like most of my classmates, I only start studying properly when the sun has gone down. Which also means it’ll be after dinner. Which means that a freaking huge chunk of the day is gone. Which means that I’ll have to study throughout the night. And when I say study, we all know that there’s bound to be procrastination on my part.
MSN is evil, by the way. Very evil. You get into an interesting conversation with someone and you’re screwed for the rest of the night. Or if you get into an upsetting conversation, you’re screwed for a few more days.
Which is why, I really really want to stay away from upsetting people or having people to tell me off for things that I know which are my fault. Or get into petty arguments THIS TIME OF THE YEAR.
So this should mean that I can commit all the sins in the world(the type of ‘sins’ that you would expect from me lah) and get away with it because it’s only days before my finals. I’ve even asked for a postponement from someone to tell me off about something that I’ve done.
I cannot let anything thud in my head and infiltrate into my guilty conscience(damn damn the usage of the word infiltrate means I’ve been doing too much of pathology… bruuwerhgghh buerhghghghehrher..< -- vomiting due to stress.)
These few days I've heard a few things, said a few things and I worry that it might affect the people that I've come into contact with. Then I start feeling bad about it. Then I feel so guilty. Then i feel so guilty that I even start building further fictional feuds and feel guilty about THAT too.
Then I will flap my arms at the side and tell myself, "You're a strong girl, you're a strong girl, you're a strong girl.. at least tryyyyyy........." and then uncontrollable sobbing would follow suit. Honestly, it's THIS tiime and SPM that I've actually cried more than once during my studying period.
Note to my dad: Dad, it's okay. I'm feeling all right. I'm upset about things that are not even real. hahah. But I'm feeling better. Don't call me and scold me please for letting things upset me. Coz then I'll feel even worse and can only do one chapter in one day.
While studying for SPM, I'd cry for a good 20 minutes everyday before looking at my books, showering, lie in bed and cry for abit more and then study way into the night. Back then, my bed time was 4am and 5am. I was already pretty amazed with myself. and WHO goes to school during SPM season? We even declared our own study weeks(for some it was study months. hahaha) and we'd skip school because we slept very late the night before.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL... nowadays, bed time is 9am for me okay if I have the stamina and will power. Then I will wake up at 2.30pm and have a bowl of rice crispies with sugar and milk because I've skipped lunch and dinner will be in about 3 hours, so what's the point right?
Do you know how lonely it is to study into the night? It's like you're the only person left in the world and you only have yourself and the books and the saddest part is that you don't even know when is your bed time. And you will yourself to remember facts upon facts and words that can't even be found in a conventional dictionary. As morning comes around, there will be signs of betrayal to tell you that it's getting REALLY late. Like the Azan prayers in the morning, this will then be followed by the pigeon gurgling on my roof top, then you can hear motorbikes, and then pots clanging after their breakfast. The worst worst worst feeling will be when you hear basketballs bouncing in the playground. It means that it's REALLY REALLY REALLY late.
Then you climb into bed at 9am, and you stare at the ceiling. Very hard to fall asleep.
Then this afternoon I actually woke up early(read: 12.30pm) and went for lunch with Lie Yuen. But I couldn't even eat the fried chicken and egg and rice and only gingerly lifted each piece of vegetable into my mouth because my stomach was twisting and cramping. It's not period pain since it's already the 5th day or something. Could only means a trip to the toilet right? Yeap, I thought so. It's the type of stomachache I get when I go into the exam room. Usually it's shit lah. But we rushed back home(so kind of Lie Yuen to ta pau for me because I could hardly walk.) Even the kuay teow thng aunty rubbed me on the shoulder and asked me not to sleep(I was closing my eyes due to the pain)... but I merely rolled my eyes. I know I'm damn bad, but I can never understand her as she speaks Hokkien and is too.. wordy at times. Haih, I feel bad towards her. (now the guilt builds up, you see the pattern?)
Anyway, back home, in the toilet. There I sat, praying that I don't vomit(I always feel like I would puke anytime soon whenever my stomach hurts really bad.) and hoped that it was just a really big one that needs to come out. But nothing. Instead the pain started from my left abdomen and the cramp squeezes to the right. And then the whole tummy just aches and aches and aches. Sharp pains too, mind you. Hahaha sekali I see a baby plop into the toilet bowl I'll be like, "WTF?!?".... stupidness aside, sweat was collecting at the centre of my face(my head was in between my knees, looking at the floor la, not the toiletbowl la, ew, I'm not a contortionist okay, haha) and it was dripping onto the floor. Forming a puddle. It happens every time I'm in great stomachache.
Well, it was productive but the ache was still there. It's not totally relieved but after an hour or two of sleeping, it's better lah and here I am blogging.
I just wish for this entire thing to be over soon. My exam starts this Friday and the theory papers end on the 17th. Then it's one week before the Practical exam, and it'll be another five days for the results to be announced. And THEN only I get to come home. So it's one month more of Kedah for me.
Anyway, here are some products of procrastination:
In one of my better moods.
A stark reminder to myself to:
1) Get a fringe the moment I get back. I’m so brave to show my forehead to the world.
2) Get eyebrows threaded the moment I step foot on Subang soil.
I look *almost* child-like here. The other day, some fruit aunty asked me if I was going for tuition when she saw me carrying a file. So I was rather pleased because nobody ever mistakes me for a school going kid! Heck, what I usually get is working(used to that already), SOMEONE’S MOTHER(niamaaaaa) .. but luckily nobody called me POpo yet. I kena-ed aunty before though. From my brother’s friend. grrrr.
Wait, maybe she meant that I was a tuition teacher? 🙁 🙁
oh, and I have alot of split ends and kinks in my hair. Not. happy.
This is the ancient chinese warrior proud to serve the King and country look.Wong Seong Man Sui Man Man Sui!~ Or maybe I look more like an ah-ma here with my hair like that? At one angle I did look like a rough ancient chinese warrior.. a male one that is. Not Mulan ok.
This is the semangat Heng Tai warrior face. (Heng tai = brothers.. usually used for very very good friends.. bloodshed and all that dramamamamama). “We will fight together,”.
This is the reluctant prostitute face! If you still cannot get the image out of your head that I’m a MAN ancient chinese warrior, well, then this face can be the ancient chinese warrior pretending to be a chinese prostitute to woo the enemy.
Really wishing this whole ordeal to be over and done with.
Trying to make my hair look like bunny ears.. can only happen with hair spray. However, NOT WORTH THE EFFORT LA JOLENE LAI STUDY LA STUDY STUDY STUDYYy!Y!YY!Y!Y!!Y
Ninja who just heard a lame joke. -__- < -- that kind of face ya.
I look like I was four years old again. (yes, my face already like that when I was four. Ada problem?) I had a bad bob(thanks mum) and I had that perpetual frown when I didn’t understand or get my way.
This huge pimple is completely my fault.
Which is because my fingers kept dragging me to the computer and my chin was used as a balancing point. Haih.